OK, inspired by mediocre mishmash romances Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve, I have taken it upon myself to sketch Garry Marshall next project. I give you: Fourth of July.
Setting: Fair grounds, day of the fourth. All the action will take place here.
On one side of the pavillion is a hot dog eating contest. Jack Black is Frank (get it?), the foremost American dog-downing champion. He is heart-broken on the day of the big event, pining for a love that got away. On the other side of the pavillon is a pie eating contest. Zoe Saldana who plays “Jelly Bean” Rodriguez or “Beans” for short. She is clearly in love with someone away from her as well. The two sides get to watch one another eat on closed-circuit TV.
Bradley Cooper is a ride safety inspector. He has reluctantly come to the fair with his long time girlfriend, Courteney Cox ; they are breaking up, and he has no desire to be present, but felt he had to for the sake of his job.
Jessica Biel (or Jessica Alba, one of them, it doesn’t matter) is head administrator for the fairgrounds. She has come to the fair to pass off her twin sons, both played by Joel Courtney, to her estranged husband, David Arquette. They get in line for the ferris wheel thinking it’s the line for the much cooler vortex line next door. When the boys realize it’s a ferris wheel ride and not something cool, they bolt, leaving Biel stuck to ride alone with Bradley Cooper, who –lo and behold- turns out to be a ex from high school. Naturally, the ride breaks down, leaving them to rekindle their magic atop the arc of the ride. Be sure to capture the fireworks from here.
Abandoned on earth, Courteney Cox and David Arquette get back together. Aw.
A group of kids hits the fairgrounds for a day of revelry. Let’s make them high school, but certainly younger than the “Glee” bunch. One of the Joel Courtney twins falls in love with a boy, the other with a girl. Towards the end of the film, the walk hand-in-hand. The kids are all escorted by Kathy Bates, who has a love memory of her own to explore.
At this point, Hector Elizondo shows up for no reason.
Amanda Seyfried volunteers at the blood donation station. Michael Peña is donating out of some hidden agenda of guilt. They hit it off instantly.
Lessee, now we need some ooooold actors. How about Christopher Plummer and Maggie Smith? Both are widowers who haven’t seen love in decades. They turn and meet by chance, stare into each other’s eyes and both have simultaneous heart attacks. Amanda is called to the scene immediately, leaving Peña behind. Awwww.
At the community theater, Owen Wilson is George Washington and Katy Perry is Betsy Ross (note to self – be sure to include disgusting innuendo with regards to wooden teeth, axing a “cherry” tree and, especially, threading a needle. Something about a metaphorical “camel through the eye of a needle” would fit very nicely indeed) get together for no apparent reason other than they’re there. How about a scene where they actually have a quickie between acts of a Revolutionary War play? Make somebody have to be impatient while waiting for them, like Bob Newhart as Benjamin Franklin or something.
Oh, and The President (Steve Martin) shows up. It’s his home county and he’s come back to woo the woman who runs the milk bottle softball toss booth (Demi Moore). She just happens to be the ex-wife of the presidential candidate who lost to The President in the last election. Let’s have him played by Fred Thompson (hah!). Make sure to include at least two jokes comparing the milk bottle game to the U.S. Economy.
Attracted to a commotion, Kathy Bates meets long-lost son Michael Peña. Touching reunion. Note to self: add something really schmaltzy here. I want instant weeping.
Kumar (Kal Penn) is a pyrotechnics expert in charge of the fireworks show. He was a bomb maker (read: terrorist) in Iraq. Zoe Saldana turns out to be the arresting GI in Iraq, and after she wins the pie eating contest, she finds Kumar only slightly ahead of the US Army. They share a lingering kiss under the fireworks until he’s taken into custody.
Hmmm, forgot about Jack Black, didn’t I? Let’s just say, someone shows up for him: Meg Ryan, Kathy Najimi, Martin Lawrence, the ghost of Olympia Dukakis. Doesn’t matter who, so long as there’s closure for this crap as well.
That’s all I got for now, but I’m sure I could work in another five half-assed romantic story lines if you give me another ten minutes or so.
Oh, and if Sarah Jessica Parker shows up for any part of this project, I’m out. Get yourself another hack to finish this screenplay.
New Year’s Eve review can be found here.
I’d laugh were I not afraid that this is going to happen.
(OK, I did laugh. Especially at the Elizondo line.)