Um … wow. Um, er, how shall I put this? Your generation sucks. A lot.
Project X is one of the most cynical movies ever made. You’d never know it to glance upon it from a distance, but it is a sad, sad testimony to the shallow values of teens whose lives are going to suck once they figure out that everybody ages. Everybody. Yeah, you … you Dorian Gray mutherhumper. I haven’t seen a venture this interested in promoting age warfare since the publishing of The Greatest Generation.
It’s Thomas’ (Thomas Mann) birthday in his Pasadena Tudor. The ‘rents left town after those pricks had THE NERVE to give Thomas a used car for #17. Thomas is a bit of a milquetoasty dork, but luckily, Thomas’ friend Costa (Oliver Cooper), an even bigger dork, is on the scene. Costa is an asshole extraordinaire. If one could be knighted for douchebaggery, he’d be Sir Costa of 
Kardashian-upon-the-L.A.-River. He advertises a bash at the parent-free house tonight to every single pretty person between the ages of 16 and 25 in the greater Los Angeles metro.
And most show up. Like moths to a flame, SoCal teens can’t resist a party. Costa makes special emphasis on inviting females, that is to say hot females, of course. Costa makes Jonah Hill’s Superbad character look like a feminist. But then Costa doesn’t seem to respect anybody. The generation below mine has a tremendous affinity for degrading insults as a form of endearment. After a while, I keep thinking, “you know he just called you a ‘Fat F***’ right?” With friends like that, I’d stay home.
Luckily for our “heroes”, the females in Project X show less self-respect or restraint than the “Girls Gone Wild” crew.
The party gets out-of-control to an epic amount. The most frightening part of this adventure is the tone. There’s nothing here that recognizes civility or decency or even slight moderation. A party can only be off-the-hook when there is an abundance or sex, drugs, alcohol and stuffing a midget in an oven fun for all. There’s also a weird feel that ONLY 18-year-olds know how to have this kind of fun. If you can’t pass for 18 any more, tough luck, loser, your life is over. I especially cringed at the treatment of a cross-the-street neighbor who has the audacity to want to put his baby to sleep before 1 am. This is how you feel about the people who give you the tools to party? Wow.
That is the theme of Project X: Party is king; screw the rest. When hijinks lead to the destruction of an Exstasy-filled gnome, the kids surrounding, in unison, dive on the ground like birthday party children at the scene of a piñata burst. Really? All of you? Not one amongst stopped and said, “hey! Is this actually a good idea?” or “do I even like drugs?” No, like sharks with chum, lions piling on a zebra, flies to shit … pick whatever metaphor makes you feel most comfortable. According to Project X, the youth of today, in unison, are soulless, vapid hedonists. And that’s it.
I have a fair question at this point: this current generation, you seem to have none of the sexual taboos of my generation. I commend you for that. I think the “Just Say No” campaign of my days spoiled much high school fun. Yeah, let’s give Nancy Reagan the power to dictate our social life; that’s a good idea. But, my 21st C. homies, if all you really want is sex, um, why not just reinvent key parties? Takes a great deal of pressure off the courting ritual, of which you guys seem to have no toleration or patience. Alcohol, drugs, sure, bring ‘em if you got ‘em; who knows, you might even like the person you’re banging anyway.
I address this final remark to any who enjoyed Project X: what is it you really want out of life? Sex, drugs and rock n’ roll? Sorry to say, that’s kinda “been there, done that” territory for only about 1 billion people before you. You’re gonna get old and your life is gonna suck. Bummer.
Rated R, 88 Minutes
D: Nima Nourizadeh
W: Matt Drake and Michael Bacall
Genre: Par-tay!!!!
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Attractive high schoolers, especially ones who don’t realize their lives have already peaked.
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Parents
