The Three Stooges

The Three Stooges are a sad reminder that it’s quite possible our forefathers had no sense of humor. Right now, I want to reexamine the scales of accomplishment on The Greatest Generation – hmmm … beat back the Nazis, yes, very good … gave us The Three Stooges. I’d say we’re about even.

I kid. I kid. I kid because The Three Stooges suck. They really suck. And trotting them out for a new generation of cruel, humor-deprived, mammal-torturing boys isn’t doing anybody a favor.

Speaking of mammal torturing, The Three Stooges had my undivided attention for almost 90 minutes. Now I’m going to pretend you know nothing about the Stooges so I can describe as I would a child, or Stooge, what this excruciating movie-going experience is like: three socially-challenged very stupid orphan brothers, Larry (Sean Hayes), Curly (Will Sasso), Moe (Chris Diamaniopoulos), with no impulse control and a high tolerance for pain take turns delivering and receiving physical abuse. The most antagonistic of the trio is Moe. Apparently the child Moe never learned “hands to yourself,” because he will hit anybody at the drop of a hat, often for simply dropping the hat. He’s also *sigh* their leader. From the short-bus-ish Stooge hairstyles to a woefully codependent psychological makeup, there is nothing charming about the trio. None of the three is capable of a nurturing relationship with man, child or beast (although Curly does have a pet rat; how the poor creature manages to stay alive given the cornucopia of abuse delivered upon Curly’s person is beyond comprehension). The best they manage is relationships with one another, which are best described as fair weather friendships. During the course of any given day, there will be hitting and lots of it. To befriend a Stooge is to befriend all three and, in turn, welcome a wave of physical torment. From breakfast to pool party to use of simple tools, every activity the Stooges participate in will end in a hospitalization of some kind.

Was this funny in the 1930s and 1940s? Because it isn’t now. The appeal of the Stooges, from what I gather, is twofold: the wide selection of slapstick assaults and the self-taught defense mechanisms constantly in use to avoid said attacks. Use your words, Stooges, your words.

The plot follows the Stooges from orphanage (including Jane Lynch’s career low as Mother Superior) to childhood to leaving the orphanage saddled with a hopeless debt amassed by the boys themselves. All the while there is hitting, poking, striking, beating, thumping, crashing, pounding, pasting (I pulled out the thesaurus here for good reason) until the Stooges take the show to the big city … and do the same things there. It’s a this point that the Old Spice “I’m on a horse” actor gets trotted out which made me feel awful for a whole new reason – I remembered how much more I’d enjoy a rerun commercial for Old Spice than what I was watching.

Stooges doesn’t lack for attempts at humor. The fists and puns fly. The fun doesn’t. When the Stooges enter the law offices of Kickham, Harter & Indagroyne, I was done. This is it? That’s what you got for me? The jokes here are lamer than a low-functioning autistic turtle with four club feet. There are more misfires here than a gun club using ammo distilled from molasses. There are more swing-and-a-misses in this film than batting practice at a school for the blind.

You know what’s really funny? Let me rephrase; there was nothing funny about this film. You know what was peculiar about The Three Stooges? This is an honest reworking of the original art. If you ever watched a Stooges b&w short, you will have no trouble recognizing the idiotic, bullying, slapstick antics of the original players. There was no attempt within this reexamination to modernize or rework the players to adjust for the current generation. For me, this makes The Three Stooges all the sadder. Stooges are an anachronism for very good reason. They aren’t funny. And they grow less so the further removed from the original era that birthed miscarried them to life. We have our own morons: Beavis & Butt-Head, the Jersey Shore gang, all people associated with Twilight. They fit within our parameters of idiocy in the 21st Century. The Stooges do not. Next time, let them eye-poke each other in peace. Eternal peace.

Rated PG, 92 Minutes
D: Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly
W: Mike Cerrone, Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly
Genre: Idiot
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Stooges
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone born between, say, 1950 and 2005