Oh, thank goodness, another round of, “let’s pretend an enormous man in a dress acting like an imbecile is funny.”
Yeah, this is Steel Frog’s Blog’s column’s review of Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection. It’s fruitless to ask why Tyler Perry does anything, and the answer is pretty obvious – every single thing he touches turns to a giant lump of golden crap. His films suck, but reap millions more than they cost. And when I say that, do realize that “suck” is being kind and “millions” is a monumental understatement.
If I could churn out hot-selling crap, I probably would too. Couldn’t it be somebody else? Anybody else? There are dozens of talented African American filmmakers out there; people who actually know what to do behind a camera … why does this untalented fool speak for an entire culture?
There’s a moment early on in which Brian (Tyler Perry’s straight man) repeatedly sings Madea’s praises to her face in order to coax Madea into hosting Mafia-fearing witnesses. If you think about it, this is Tyler Perry calling Tyler Perry a genius. Wow. Is it not enough to write other characters waxing rhapsodic about your alter ego [read: you] Are they not doing it properly? You remind me of the Eddie Murphy joke about the flexible man getting a blow job and stopping the hooker midway with a, “no, honey, you’re doing it wrong; it’s like this.”
Madea, the irascible matriarch alter ego of Tyler Perry, is indeed back and this time faced with white people. Oh, the horror. Oh, the lack of humor. Our candidates this week on “Who Needs a Career Boost?” are Eugene Levy, Doris Roberts and Denise Richards. Perpetually Frowny Denise looks awful, by the way. Haven’t seen her in many moons and now I 
know why. Whoever told her, “for your 30s, lose the chest” did Denise a great disservice. She looks completely washed out and strained for this role, like one who has constantly had too much exercise. Now, I don’t normally call attention to how an actor or actress appears, but let’s face it, PF Denise sucks as an actress. Luckily, Tyler Perry’s inept direction brings out the worst in everybody.
I swear you can actually see the cue-card direction in Tyler Perry films. The language is so stilted and movement so stiff and ill-choreographed. I have no problem imaging any secondary character on screen asking, “what do I do in this scene?” and director Perry responding, “just stand there. It’s OK.”
And, of course, there’s preaching. Couldn’t be a Tyler Perry film without it. The family that stays with Madea needs fixing; lucky us, Madea is up to the task (hence, the true plot). Now Tyler doesn’t hit any children this time around; perhaps he feared racial profiling. Nevertheless, there is a rather large hypocritical disconnect between the preachiness and the action. Take for instance when Barbara (Roberts) makes a play for Uncle Joe (also Tyler) and he treats her as if there’s something wrong with the premise. In the very next moment, Joe hasn’t even sat down yet, he eyes Kate (Richards) doing yoga in a common room. He stops in his tracks to stare at her hungrily. It’s really kind of sickening. I realize there’s a moment of cultural acceptance here, but why, Tyler, why is the Doris Roberts moment to be ridiculed while the Denise Richards moment to be cherished?
Then we have Madea herself. When asked how she knows so much, Madea fawns, “you don’t get to my age without learning a thing or two.” Oh? Personally, I’ve never been of the opinion that older people are necessarily wiser and I feel justified in this opinion when I see somebody take advice from an “elder woman” who doesn’t know the difference between “Yoda” and “yoga” and cannot pronounce “African American” correctly.
There’s a general feeling here that all Tyler Perry has to do is don a dress and open his mouth and whatever comes out will be a comedic treasure trove. Well, what do I expect from a movie in which the mob simply exists for the sake of having a plot?
Tyler and white folks/my, that’s a gas
Did you take all weekend/to pull this from your ass?
At two films a year/you’ve got quite the coup
Think this is funny?/The joke is on you
Rated PG-13, 114 Minutes
D: Tyler Perry
W: Tyler Perry
Genre: Tyler Perry
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Tyler Perry
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Antimatter Tyler Perry
