It began with the forging of the first prequel. A director and crew were attached … but they were deceived all by the merchandising rights … seriously, look, I’m as happy as any to return to the Shire for more baffling Halfling waffling (sorry, that doesn’t quite work, does it?), but there’s a sizeable “been there, done that” feel to The Hobbit. The result isn’t bad – far from it. Neither are Thanksgiving leftovers.
So there’s this Hobbit (Martin Freeman) who lives for introversion and medieval bong hits. And one day, thirteen questing freeloaders show at his door because Old Man Gandalf (Ian McKellan) put a curse on it. What’s up with that? Gandalf’s theme of the day is “all good tales deserve an embellishment” and this is mine. Hobbit Bilbo refuses their quest until he realizes they’ve tanked his cellar, so he leaps out of his Hobbit enclosure and goes hobbing down the Hobbitrail after a baker’s dozen of dwarfdom and another adventure in New 
Zealand tourism begins. Fortunately for us, hasty Bilbo fails to see his shadow en route, else we’d be in for six more weeks of movie.
“Hobbitrail” — better as description for a Hobbit domicile or a pathway Hobbits use? Been debating that since I started this review. Pathway makes a tad more sense, but domicile compares Hobbits to hamsters, which is a tad funnier, no?
Peter Jackson finally got hold of this project a few years back, which seems a good idea – he and his homies Frannie and Phillie made Lord of the Rings what it was. Part of that awesome adaptation has been a relatively faithful adherence to J.R.R. Tolkien’s words. Wheras that proved strength in the Rings trilogy, I see it as weakness here. There’s a great disparity between desire to conform to the text and the reality of the action. The paradox goes something like this:
“Lord of the Rings was such a success; let’s make The Hobbit just like that.”
“The Hobbit is one book, not three, and was intended for younger audiences – lesser perils occur, and the consequences are not as dire.”
“But, just like last time, we have great ideas for enhancement. We can easily grind three movies out of this YA novel. Just like last time, we’ll enhance where there is no text and stick to the letter of the text otherwise.”
“Ok. Maybe no one will notice the action doesn’t make sense.”
Unfortunately, somebody did. You can’t just trot thirteen dwarves sword-fighting hundreds of orcs while dashing willy-nilly over the rickety underground Bridges of Moria County and expect them all to emerge alive, present and unscathed. Gandalf spends half the film counting dwarves. Isn’t he just a bit surprised when he constantly arrives at the same number?
And, oh yeah, where are the white women at?
Speaking of which, Cate Blanchett shows up here for no discernible reason. And like all travels to Jackson’s Whole, the trip comes to a screeching halt once you get Elrond (Hugo Weaving) on screen. Go take a much needed break while Galadriel the Diva (Blanchett) and Saruman the Narc (Christopher Lee) play, “I know more about Middle Earth than you do.”
Richard Armitage plays Viggo Mortensen this time around. Will The Hobbit make his career? It certainly won’t hurt it. I guess we should get used to the name. And I’ll get used to the idea that by the time we go There and Back Again, it will be 2015. All good tales deserve an embellishment? Um, sure. But that generally doesn’t mean time, does it? *sigh*
Thirteen dwarves came out to play
Upon a Hobbit’s hill one day
“Let’s get that dragon who took our hoard.”
It takes much time in the land of Lord.
You’ll need some patience on this quest
Read the book, you’ll get the rest.
Rated PG-13, 169 Minutes
D: Peter Jackson
W: Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro
Genre: EPIC
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Nerds!
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: If you didn’t care for Lord of the Rings, don’t even bother.
