Zero Dark Thirty is a film made by people who felt it was their patriotic duty to recreate the end of Osama bin Laden. The film is 100% about the hunting of Osama, who doesn’t really appear in the film, speaks no words nor takes any action. Even the denouement is not laden with Laden. Get used to the idea that you’re not going to get a good look at the villain in any form. Since The Passion of the Christ, I haven’t seen a movie quite as enjoyment-reliant upon what you and you alone bring to the table.
There is a lot of torture in Zero Dark Thirty. It’s film-friendly torture, no fingernail removal or electrodes to the nads, but it’s torture. I’m glad it exists in this hunt for bin Laden, because to leave it out would be to candy coat an ugly history. It’s very matter-of-fact torture, too. “Whatcha up to today, Phil?” “Ho hum, the usual, maybe catch the ballgame today … feed my monkeys … oh, and then waterboard a guy for information.” The tone of the piece couldn’t be clearer – if you’re not getting the information you want, you simply aren’t torturing the right way. What’s striking to me is exactly how little information was garnered in the process. Eight years of collecting and imposing Metallica 24/7 on terrorists led to zero unique usable leads in the bin Laden search. What caught the man? Good old fashioned detective work. When was 
he found? Within months of President Obama’s declaration that we’re not going to torture. It’s naïve to believe the words of the Prez were followed religiously, but these, to me, are among the best arguments against torture I’ve ever heard.
When not indulging torture porn, Zero Dark Thirty plays to paranoia. There are several terrorist attacks in the film, each one preceded by a letting down of the guard. Want to stay alive? Don’t go to dinner. Don’t trust a source. Don’t ride a bus. Don’t open your mail. Don’t drink. Don’t fart. Don’t feed them after midnight. The vigilant will prevail; all others will perish. The vast majority of movie takes place in the Middle East. How many Middle East natives do we meet who are neither terrorists nor on the terrorist friends and family plan? Zero. That’s a dark thirty minutes of revelation right there.
Jessica Chastain is the only performer in the movie capable of more than one emotion. The others are all soldiers, detainees or administrative cogs. And at that, Jessie is pretty one-track, too. I didn’t like her as much as respected her – here’s a woman who has, reluctantly, given her entire life to the hunt for Osama bin Laden. That’s an awful life any way you detonate it. I respect her and her mission, but I sure didn’t like her. And that’s almost exactly what I feel about this film – I respect that you, Kathryn Bigelow and company who felt this film needed to be made, and I respect the craft that went into making it, but I can’t say I enjoyed it, nor think it deserves any accolades.
A hunt for a man most rotten
From an event nobody’s forgotten
Took many a year
Mostly led by fear
But finally we got bin Laden
Rated R, 157 Minutes
D: Kathryn Bigelow
W: Mark Boal
Genre: Treasure hunt
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Those in need of 9/11 closure
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who like actual film villains more than concept fim villains
