Do you suppose The Lords of Salem Light has only half the ennui? “Honey, Satan’s back … no, I don’t know what he wants … no, I don’t know when he’s leaving … look, I already offered tea and biscuits; I can’t just send him away …” Yes, Satan is back. In Salem no less, where I daresay he’s had some fun, and I got nothin’ but questions:
1) It’s been over 300 years, big fella, you didn’t ever feel like moving to, I dunno, a city? Boston, maybe? The populace has grown and spread a little since the 17th Century.
2) Where’s my bait-n-switch? Isn’t Satan supposed to promise me good stuff and then pull the rug out or something? Personally, I wouldn’t follow this version of Satan to the fridge, much less my eternal damnation.
3) Where do Puritans get off, anyway? You leave England for the purpose of religious freedom and the first thing you do when you get here is put witches to death. “Hello, Kettle …”
The Lords of Salem is another deliberately incomprehensible effort from Rob Zombie, in my mind, the talented version of Tyler Perry (your stuff is crap, too, but I can see it took a bit of talent to create your crap). Salem chronicles the day-to-day adventures of local disc jockey Heidi Hawthorne 
(Sheri Moon Zombie – say, she shares the same last name as the director … what were the odds?) during a key week of her engulfment by the dark side. Seeking to capture what it would look like if a young, anorexic Jamie Lee Curtis had dreadlocks, SMZ approaches most issues on screen by wearing next-to-nothing and looking stoned (Sheri, can we talk? Look, just because you’re name is “Zombie,” doesn’t mean you have to act like one …).
Speaking of wearing next-to-nothing, Salem has a lot of nudity. A lot. Unfortunately, it’s much more of the Schindler’s List sad and pathetic variety rather than something arousing. I have often said there’s no such thing as bad nudity, but after seeing Salem, I may have to eat my words. On “Tuesday,” Heidi wakes, turns on the light and there’s a nude corpse in the bathroom. Heidi makes no motion that she has noticed anything. The next day, the nude corpse is in the kitchen. The light gets turned on for a surprise-type effect, but it’s hard to know what to feel here. The figure is a whitewashed emaciated female anywhere from 60 to 900 years old. Is this horror? Is this comedy? Is this sexy? I’m not sure. Corpse in the kitchen: “Hey, don’t mind me, just getting some skim milk and Pop Tart. Are we out of Special K?” When Heidi again makes no sign that she’s seen the figure, we’re left wondering who is seeing the vision? Just us? This is one of those deliberately confusing moments – or at least it would be if the image struck more than a shrug. For me, it’s like coming home to discover your doormat has been moved six inches to the left. Yeah, I noticed it. Is it worth mention, or do I just move on with my day? Your call.
Heidi is left some hot vinyl at work from a group called “The Lords.” She plays it at home and it sounds like a mix tape of a instrument from the string-and-cardboard family as played by that one-eyed guy who annoys people on the way to a ball game. Naturally, she plays it again, this time on air where it sends the women of Salem into a trance. Ooooooohhh. The fact that the awful music sends the naturally born women into a trance? Not nearly as shocking as the fact that there are people who actually listen to her radio show.
Rob Zombie didn’t really attempt any humor in this film, and I appreciated him for it as his sense of humor sucks. And, lo and behold, he did get a huge and unintentional laugh from me when Satan finally shows up in Act III. I won’t give it away. What I will give away are the scenes of witchcraft and torture in 17th Century Salem. Burning, are we? Good for you, Puritan dude. And there’s a witch screaming in terror. Close shot of the mouth: nice teeth for the era -wait- is that a cavity? Nice work, Rob.
♪Sheri baby (Sheri baby) baby (Sheri baby)
Sheri, can you look stoned tonight?
(Look stoned, get stoned tonight)
You’d better ask your hubby (Sheri baby)
He’ll say, “get nude, all right?” ♫
Rated R, 101 Minutes
D: Rob Zombie
W: Rob Zombie
Genre: Satan
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Rob Zombie
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Satan
♪ Parody Inspired by “Sherry”
