Transformers. Top Gun. Real Steel. One day the world is just gonna wake up and realize that all of these movies suck. And on that day, pieces of crap that combine all three, like Pacific Rim, will stop being made. And film lovers like me will rejoice. We will rejoice loudly. We will celebrate. We will pontificate. We will expound. We will gloat. But first, I must expunge. Seeing Pacific Rim is like remembering a beloved family pet died. Then forgetting it; then remembering it all over again.
I’m guessing we’re in earth’s future, where people are ungodly stupid and militaries have all been privatized so that military conventions like uniforms and ranks and, you know, rules, both sort-of exist and sort-of don’t. Sky-scraper sized monsters called Kaiju come from the sea to attack cities. Instead of weapons that work, man has developed the most inefficient and counter-intuitive defense known to the modern age: giant robots to face the giant monsters. The artistic design is straight out of Godzilla v. (your monster here). As the giant robots are operated by petty rival tandem teams of two, the set-up is not unlike Top Gun v. Mothra.
I could write an entire novel on why this is stupid (tactics, development, weaponry, etc.), but I’ll just hit the lowlights: The robots are called Jaegers, and the Jaegermeisters are fully trained elite pilots … and it takes two to operate a single machine acting as one. Each pilot has to get in the other’s mind in order to behave as one individual, so as to make quality moves together. I can’t quite get around how wrong this is. Have you ever heard the expression, “great minds think alike?” Full of shit. Nothing is further from the truth. Great minds may come to the same solution, of course, but the one thing I can guarantee is they don’t think alike. Have you ever seen a bell curve? The big hump in the middle – those are average people. THEY THINK ALIKE. The points on the peripheries? Elite or moronic, those are unique. That’s why the curve is thin there — fewer data points. The more you strive for greatness or weakness, the likelier you are to find disparity. What you’re essentially looking for is elite minds who … think alike. Cracking design, modern man.
And, excuse me, but where the flying wallaby is the efficiency in two people having to coordinate as one human? Get this — the machine doesn’t work if the two humans are out of sync. Makes no sense. None whatsoever. You’re so much better off having one person drive the machine. Maybe there’s sense in the idea that one should attack a big monster with a big robot? No, that’s stupid, too. Did humanity make some sort of bet that it could beat the monsters on their terms? Why not just bomb the slow-moving oafs? They hardly seem immune to pointy things, fiery things or explosive things.
OK, I have to step back and assume the premise because otherwise I’m never gonna get through this. Man fights big dumb monsters with big dumb robots. The fight choreography has all the ingenuity, coordination and artistry of two college mascots having it out. Come to think of it, I’d like to see that movie. I suppose Pacific Rim had some actors, too. Our star is Raleigh (Charlie Hunnam). Hunnam has all the charisma and stage presence of a vending machine. It’s possible the vending machine sells Twix, but a vending machine nonetheless. Raleigh loses his fighting partner/brother in the opening scene 
and becomes a troubled loner until being forced back into the fray. It’s a tiresome storyline, but we’re stickin’ with it.
Now Raleigh needs a new partner. The obvious choice is Mako (Rinko Kikuchi), especially as she is the only other character we learn anything about. Oh, and we’re running out of robots. A half-hour later, we’re still holding Raleigh’s partner as a secret. So just to be clear: the hope of civilization is running thin — low on qualified pilots, fighting robots, successful tactics, useful science and a single brain with a good idea, yet to save our species we call upon a washout and we don’t tell him who his partner will be until the day before the big monster attack. Did I get that right? And, whaddaya know, turns out his partner IS Mako. Oh my. I was in such suspense. So when they do the mind-meld procedure to get in sync, Mako gets stuck in a childhood horror film and freezes up. This I didn’t see coming; I readily expected Raleigh to get into Mako’s thoughts and linger where Rinko gets naked in Babel.
Screw this. I’d rather be watching Babel.
Giant monsters attacking the land
In a tale encroaching the bland
Who will save?
What hero is brave?
I’ll give you a finger instead of a hand
Rated PG-13, 131 Minutes
D: Guillermo del Toro
W: Travis Beacham & Guillermo del Toro
Genre: Godzilla
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: People whose imagination reaches exactly as far as the IMAX screen
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Those who seek intelligence
