I’m still stuck on the whole your-personality-is-your-name thing. In Smurfs 2, we spend a great deal of time with Grumpy Smurf, Clumsy Smurf and Vanity Smurf (is there an Apollonia Smurf?) Is this like Dances with Wolves –did they get named because of their attributes? Or did they live up or down to their attributes? This begs the question: Are there baby Smurfs? Do they go unnamed until they show the characteristic that will define their entire being? Can there be two of the same? Stands to reason that if you have enough Smurfs, there will be more than one “Clumsy” and more than one “Vanity,” does it not? And if the Smurfs are all joyful lumps of blue crap, how can there be a Grumpy Smurf anyway? Do the seven dwarves know about this infringement?
My biggest problem with the Smurfs, however, is that I stop caring long before I get any question answered. These puppet-sized morons have exactly two objectives in life: singing and avoiding Gargamel (Hank Azaria). Gargamel has a one-man SRO magic act in Paris. Well, of course he does. The locals treat him as they would Jerry Lewis, but he still needs that sweet, sweet blue stuff. In a different movie, Gargamel goes by “G-Dawg” where he spends all his days in hot tubs and gold chains. He still hates the rival gangland in blue, but he’s more comfortable with the power he wields. In this film, G-Dawg has created “The Naughties,” two more puppet-sized morons who are distinguishable from normal Smurfs in that they are grey and they get real names: Chip and Dale or Prancer and Vixen or something. I didn’t really care.
Meanwhile, Smurfs prove to be little jerks. Constantly yammering about family and love, Smurfette gives up on them when “nobody remembers” her birthday. Truth is, they did remember, they just gave her the cold shoulder to keep it a surprise. This allows for grey-female-puppet to steal
Smurfette and show her the time of her life in Paris, and so we can get NPH, that chick from Glee and Brendan Gleeson involved in a rescue. Having been to Paris this past summer, I quite amused to see it on film. It looked roughly the same with the exception of one key item: people. You can’t really go to the Arc de Triomphe or Notre Dame or the Louvre without a crowd. Little blue guys running around? Yeah, I could see that. No line for the Eiffel Tower? Get the Hell outta here.
Gleeson plays NPH’s blustery screw-up of a stepdad. After putting an allergic child in the hospital and twice pulling a Gilligan on rescue missions, Gleeson gets kicked out of the movie by a frustrated NPH. See, the message here is about family. We are supposed to appreciate Gleeson because he showed up, not because he did anything good. Apparently, family is whomever shows up. Except for Gargamel. When he shows up to be Smurfette’s actual dad, that doesn’t count. I couldn’t help noticing that he was making Smurfette really happy for a time while Gleeson was busy being turned into a duck. But Gargamel’s the bad guy … what’s up with that? Maybe it was the Smurf torture. Come to think of it, you might not want your smallest attending this film, and not just because it sucks.
♪You Smurf her
But she Smurfs him
And he Smurfs in another theater
When the lights grow dim
And so it goes
Till the day you Smurf
This thing called movie watching
Grinds you into the turf
I’ve had Smurfette
And better, you bet
One thing for sure
Love Smurfs!
Love Smurfs! Yeah, yeah♫
Rated PG, 105 Minutes
D: Raja Gosnell
W: J. David Stem, David N. Weiss, Jay Scherick, David Ronn, Karey Kirkpatrick (are you kidding me? Five people wrote this?!)
Genre: I really don’t give a Smurf
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Parents in need of a sitter
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who make adult decisions
♪Parody inspired by “Love Stinks”
