People ask me all the time, “you know those movies where there’s a septic tank full of quirky mismatched half-characters and they all have to 
come together for one goal (often school related)? Where can I see more of those?” Have I got a treat for you. Turbo gave us not one set, but two full sets (one human set, one snail set) of half-assed mismatched funky folks going all out to get a snail into the winner’s circle at the Indy 500. Say, where is a snail’s ass anyway? Don’t answer that.
Turbo the snail (voice of Ryan Reynolds) is really into speed. He wants to go, go, go. He watches Formula 1 racing on TV. I’d ask about NASCAR, but I’m still trying to figure out how he turns on the TV. This is very Ratatouille-like in set-up. A small, vile and generally loathed member of the natural kingdom wants something that is flat-out impossible, but that doesn’t stop his desire. Just like the rat, Turbo draws inspiration from a French legend, in this case Guy Gagné (Bill Hader). And just like the rat, Turbo’s obsession has made him an outcast among his own. Personally, I’m mixed on this recurring message – I like the part that says a dream is worth having even if it cannot be realized, but I’m not wild about the idea that your dreams will make you an outcast, nor that you should expect intolerance when you display your vision. Honestly, that’s a bit deeper than this Pixar rip-off was prepared to go. I’m sure some flunkee said, “look, it’s simple. We just combine Cars and Ratatouille. *Poof* Magic.”
When Turbo has been thoroughly ostracized by his pack? Pride? Flock? The internet tells me “walk”, “rout” or “escargatoire” are acceptable collective nouns for snails. I do love the age we live in. Yes, when Turbo gets kicked out of the walk, rout or escargatoire, he drifts until he finds a freeway, and next thing you know, he’s sucked into Fast & Furious. Upon being doused with liquid nitrogen or whatever it is that makes the cars attract Vin Diesel, Turbo is suddenly endowed like no snail ever before him. Dude can motor. Like 240 MPH motor. 
Naturally, he then befriends a taco-truck owner (Michael Peña) who races snails on the side. How isn’t that logical? And also naturally, the racing snails themselves are a walk, rout or escargatoire of colorful toughs, led by Whiplash (Samuel L. Jackson). I don’t think you can actually hate a movie in which Sam Jackson voices a smack-talking snail. I could be wrong.
Bottom line, the snail competes in the Indy 500, ‘cuz all you need to enter is $20,000 and the approval of one spineless man. If you can imagine a snail competing in the Indy 500 against his idol-turned-nemesis with an assorted donut box of humans and an assorted escargot box of snails to help him, what’s on screen is unlikely to differ much. But I did very much enjoy the 5-minute character “White Shadow.” Why wouldn’t I?
♪Well I’m not braggin’ babe, so don’t put me down,
But I’ve got the fastest gastropod in town.
You’d think top speed would char that pad dry
Don’t know jack about snails so don’t ask me why
He can floor it pell mell …
Turbo in a shell♫
Rated PG, 96 Minutes
D: David Soren
W: Darren Lemke, Robert D. Siegel and David Soren
Genre: More anthropomorphic NASCAR
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Gastropodophiles
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “Fantastic. A five-cent plot and whole barnyard of underdeveloped characters”
♪Parody inspired by “Little Deuce Coupe”
