Somebody in charge of a multi-million dollar film made the conscious decision to let Selena Gomez behave as a carjacker. I had to put that in writing
because I can’t believe it’s actually true. I could make up things just as silly like, I dunno: Father Denis Leary, World Wrestling Champion Michael Cera, Porn Star Jack Black … but they aren’t even funny. It just comes off as wrong, doesn’t it?
And wrong is the word. If you close your eyes and turn off your brain, Getaway just might getaway with entertaining you. But that’s a serious stretch. Set in Sofia, Bulgaria, Getaway starts with a kidnapping and then proceeds to give us Dukes of Hazzard, Eastern Europe edition. Brent Magra (Ethan Hawke) – really, “Brent Magra?” I hate this film already – is a washout from the professional race car circuit. Brent’s wife has been kidnapped, and to get her back, Brent has to play Grand Theft Auto: Sofia.
Fifteen minutes into this travesty, Selena Gomez tries the carjack to get “her” car back. If it had been stolen from Selena and modified days earlier, whom did Brent steal it from? Then Brent has to negotiate a series of very dangerous stunts to play along, always with the threat of his wife’s life in the balance.
The entire movie takes place over one night in which The Voice (Jon Voight) instructs Brent, continually, to drive into crowds, into obstacles, on public walkways and into one police chase after another. Again and again and again. There are so many trashed police cars in this film, I half expected a cutaway to an older cop berating an inferior with, “Andrei, you stick of dip.” The whole
idea that you make one guy needlessly endanger hundreds of lives with act after act of gross negligence just because you needfully endangered one life is really quite abhorrent.
When it comes to that, what about this film isn’t abhorrent? The Bulgarian police are described in every scene as incompetent morons. The action takes place in Eastern Europe, and yet everybody involved is American. Getaway is the type of movie in which they blow the power grid, so lights go out all over Sofia. And yet, there they are driving flooded in street light. In fact, I challenge a single
viewer to find evidence of the power grid going down outside the actual power plant. And then there are armed motorcycle cops, who are worse shots than storm troopers. but our hero, while driving on train tracks and using a gun he’s never fired before, fires one bullet, and manages to blow up the entire station. I haven’t even really gotten to Selena Gomez yet. Screw it; I’m not going to. Your work in Spring Breakers was much better, doll.
Ethan cruises the streets of Sofia
Hoping to get his wife free-a
Terrible stress
The plot is a mess
See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya
Rated PG-13, 90 Minutes
D: Courtney Solomon
W: Sean Finegan, Gregg Maxwell Parker
Genre: Wrecked police car
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Puppet masters
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Bulgarian officers
