Damn those Mexicans! They took 3 Men and a Baby and reduced it to one guy, once again taking American jobs away. Tell me – just how is Steve Guttenberg supposed to support his family? How? How? I hope you’re proud of yourselves.
Eugenio Derbez directs himself as Valentín, an Acapulco playboy. Playboy that is until one day when an ex shows up with a baby. The ex asks for fare to pay the cabbie, and never returns, leaving the child behind. Valentín is equally as aware of how to take care of a baby as the baby herself. I wish I were kidding on this one. His only thought is to return the baby back to her mother. “Did she leave you anything?” ask his friends. “Yes, but I got rid of it with a shot of penicillin.” No, it’s not quality humor, but given that the main story is a man-child rearing a baby in a foreign land … we’ll accept it. Valentín tracks the mother to Los Angeles (for being abandoned and left to nothing she knows, the baby is amazingly calm during this trek, btw) and has problems at the border crossing. How any Mexican can fail to realize that crossing into United States with a baby would require a tad more than, “I’m coming right back” is kind of incredible — as in complete lack of credibility. OTOH, if I want to see El Norte, I’ll watch El Norte.
At a Beverly Hills hotel, Valentín –through very limited command of English- gets it into his head that the ex is in the penthouse. Leaving the baby in a laundry hamper (?!) on the ground floor, penthouse-located Valentín discovers not his ex, but Frank (Daniel Raymont, the poor man’s David Cross). Spying baby loose and headed towards the pool, our hero interrupts conversation to leap from the roof ten stories down to the hotel swimming pool to save the child. And it just so happens that Frank is a bilingual movie producer/director in need of new stunt man. Go figure. (The addition 
of Frank does lead to a fairly funny moment later on when a mediocre bit player thinks he’s auditioning for Alfonso Cuarón).
Instructions Not Included is a one-foot-in-fantasy/one-foo-in-reality kind of adventure; Valentín does raise his child, in the United States, where he doesn’t speak the language, and doesn’t bother to learn it, and has no papers, and makes a solid income without ever attracting any unwanted government attention. OK. He also never badmouths the birth mother. Through fabricated letters and very poor use of photoshop, Valentín creates an absentee persona of supermom. Like much of Instructions, this, too, is adorable and matches perfectly the playhouse [read: their apartment] he’s constructed for Maggie (Loreto Peralta). They also dress in matching clothes often. Awwwwwww. The film doesn’t let Valentín off that easy – as the father is, essentially, a big child himself, Maggie doesn’t have any ability to relate to real children and rarely sees any. Far as I can tell, Valentín has sequestered Maggie for the entire duration of her life. Out of protection? Out of loneliness? Out of love? Who can say? But the child doesn’t know much outside her world.
The ex (Jessica Lindsey) does show up eventually, because you’ll only respect a movie like this if it follows the most clichéd of paths. All I can say is, despite my desire to cut out as soon as I saw where this was headed, staying to the end was among the better decisions I’ve made this year.
Being a father is tough
Having to provide enough
One guy alone, sad
With baby, no pad
He might even have to learn stuff
Rated PG-13, 122 Minutes
D: Eugenio Derbez
W: Guillermo Ríos, Leticia López Margalli & Eugenio Derbez
Genre: Fairy Tale
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Dreamers, Criers
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Anti-immigration types
