You know what I want to see? I want to see a quintet consisting of five females, all of whom can sing and none plays an instrument. And I want to see them have a world tour in which scores of pre- and newly-pubescent young boys scream outside their hotel windows. OK, maybe I don’t quite want to see that, but wouldn’t it be funny? Did underage boys ever follow the Spice Girls around?
I can’t possibly give a favorable review to One Direction: This Is Us. You know that, right? A fan-inspired love letter documentary about a completely fabricated band, a harmonic Frankenstein if you will … that smacks of corporate manipulation and fills Simon’s already overbloated Cowell. Five pretty boys, all of whom can sing, none of whom can dance, and who are each rebellious in completely innocuous and unchallenging ways — Harry Styles won’t pose for a photograph! Zayn Malik has a Yin/Yang tattoo! Fathers, better lock up your daughters. Ok, that said … this film wasn’t that bad.
Morgan Spurlock directs, which I thought would be cool at first because I’d like to see the devastating negative effects of a once healthy human exposed to 30 consecutive days of One Direction. Instead, Morgan decided to show images of the band that will 
indeed make your teenage daughter swoon (yours, not mine. I need you to know that). Morgan has a good touch for the human element. We get minimal time with the One Direction handlers, thank God. Who the Jonas cares about the costumer? Instead, we get Liam Payne disturbed by the cardboard cutout of himself and Harry introducing us to the small town bakery where he waited on customers while his elder coworkers copped a feel. I’m not making this up — and it was surprisingly refreshing in a film like this to get a decent laugh. I like Katy Perry; she’s zany 24/7; I like her music better, too. Why couldn’t there be a decent natural laugh in Katy Perry: This Is VD? Apologies for the cheap shot, Princess Bubble Yum.
Defensively, One Direction lines up man-on-man (or young-man-on-3,000-screaming-new-to-puberty-young-women as the case may be), but that’s a deception; they play zone. You can see it in the crossing routes, when a 1/5th direction enters an occupied zone, the other hangs briefly and then vacates for the cavity. It’s a natural rotation. Sure, during the slow stuff, they’ll go 2-1-2, and sometimes it’s a 2-3 for a hit like “What Makes You Beautiful,” but it’s mostly it’s a zone coverage; One Direction is a little One Dimensional.
The best part of that? We actually get introduced to One Direction’s choreographer. These guys are coordinated in some way? You’re kidding, right? There’s actually a method to their aimless wandering on stage, or the fact that no three will ever be doing the same thing, and even the if you get two together, they’ll be out of sync. Well, I guess that’s why they’re not N Sync; that was somebody else. I get a warm, sparkly feeling knowing I dance better than every member of the #1 band in the universe.
I don’t a warm sparkly feeling from this documantary, but it beat the Hell out of The Jonas Salk Experiment or Leave it to Justin Bieber.
♪Harry:
Maybe it’s the way we walked (wow!)
Straight onto the set with bullshit
Through the doors and past the guards (wow!)
Just like we already owned it
Zayn:
I said can you shoot us for free
(He) said never in your wildest dreams
All:
And we filmed all night to the best scam ever
We took every cent
until November
how it works, I dunno
but we don’t need creditor
‘Cause we filmed all night to the best scam ever
I think it stole
dough dough dough
I think it grabbed
cash cash cash
That’s how it goes, yo ♫
Rated PG, 92 Minutes
D: Morgan Spurlock
W: Good luck
Genre: Flavor-of-the-week
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Your screaming, borderline pubescent daughter (but not mine, apparently)
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Those who, against their will, know the group intimately.
♪Parody inspired by “Best Song Ever”
