Hey, careful there. Eighty-foot-long angry fire-breathing dragon … somebody might actually get hurt! Nah. If you’re anything like me, you’re looking up the definition of “desolation” about now because you can’t really believe how little the title jived with the movie. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. I suppose it was mentioned in there, but not what I expected. You should know that.
I wonder if there are Lord of the Rings deniers like there exists Star Wars deniers – you know, kids who made the mistake of seeing Hobbit first and now insist those films are better than the original trilogy. You can see ‘em arguing, “but these were in 3D! And dwarves fight better than hobbits.” Ok, I’m done. I honestly don’t know what else someone with that POV would 
argue. I’m enjoying this trilogy the way I enjoy Fast & Furious films or Jurassic Park III. If you sit back and just let the movie happen, you’ll like much of what is shown. Just don’t pretend this film is anywhere near as important as the producers think it is. The end of the world isn’t gonna happen because some greedy dwarves took back their mountain of gold.
Let’s start there. I don’t care about the dwarves. Not a one. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug picks these hairy bastards up right where we left ’em off last time — wandering east (think) with a whole slew of enemies ready to pounce. And the closer they get to Lonely Mountain, the less it strikes me as a return to claim their home and the more it seems like they’re in it for money, especially the leader, Thorin (Richard Armitage). What struck me as funny about this version of Thorin the Explorer was that one of the dwarves, Kili (Aidan Turner), managed to attract hot elfin coed warrior Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly). Now it just so happens that Kili has the very least amount of facial hair of all the dwarves. This can’t be a coincidence, can it? Fellas, don’t y’all want get in on the sweet elf lovin’? It’s very simple: just shave once a decade and you, too, might attract somebody other than Bilbo, The Hobbit. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Speaking of which, I’d like to see Bilbo (Martin Freeman) actually enjoy himself once or twice. I’m still wondering what made him come along. I suppose it matters little. Sherlock fans gets their Martin Freeman-Benedict Cumberbatch reunion (the latter is the voice of Smaug the dragon and he and Bilbo have a good long chat) and the LOTR non-deniers get to see Gandalf (Ian McKellen) and Legolas (Orlando Bloom) in action again. You have to remind yourself, constantly, that these 
are prequels when either is on screen; both have aged significantly since the filming of the first trilogy.
Desolation of Smaug moves better than Unexpected Journey — the dwarves-in-barrels fighting dry-land orcs is an action classic — but it suffers from the same afflictions as the first: oft unarmed dwarves can’t constantly battle orcs and elves and men and dragons without somebody dying; it just doesn’t make sense. Moreso, this story ain’t that important — it’s just a bunch of greedy Gimlis searchin’ for treasure. Adding end-of-the-world elements is just confusing … and adds to the idea that somebody ought to be dead by now.
♪O-in Glo-in
Mt. Doompety do
I’ve got a Middle Earth riddle for you
No-ri Do-rt
Mt. Doompety dee
If you are wise, you’ll edit freely
What do you get with thirteen dwarves and Bilbo?
An action film that goes exceedingly slow
Why don’t you try to stick to the book
I swear to you, we’ll still look♫
Rated PG-13, 161 Minutes
D: Peter Jackson
W: Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro
Genre: Death march
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Hobbits
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Orcs
♪Parody inspired by “Oompa Loompa”
