Dear Paranoid Activity franchise: there is no time table for crap. Let me put this another way – you can deliver crap at any time; it doesn’t matter when or how. There are no restrictions. That’s the beauty of crap; if you don’t care what shows up on film, well, it doesn’t matter when it’s filmed, where it’s filmed, how it’s edited or when it’s released. Doesn’t matter one little bit.
So, why is the newest installation of this franchise out now instead of last Halloween? What were you waiting for?
When you get to the end of a found footage film, do you ever wonder who found it? And why would somebody who found the film choose to display it? I suppose you lose all the fantasy when you ask these questions, but really, the guy with the camera always ends up dead … so somebody finds the film, right? And most likely, it’s the somebody who killed the cameraman, right? Do demons not know how to operate the playback function? And what do they do, then — drop off the footage at the nearest Hollywood studio and cross their fingers? Does this happen a lot? “Dude, you should see what they made of my possession – it’s totally scary!” “You are so full of SHIT, Beelseacrestdonaldtrump! Your footage looked just as weak as mine – a few doors opening by themselves, some unexplained noises and a predictable ending. Lame.”
Wait a minute, can demons travel back and forth in time? If you bother with this one, compare the date at the beginning with the connection during the film. Huh. Next time, develop that angle – there’s promise in time traveling evil … well, more promise than here I should say.
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones introduces the franchise to the barrio, Esse. It’s equal opportunity evil; I’m just sooooo proud of you, devil spirits. This might be a revelation had it not already been explored in Ghost Team One. In the found footage world, any bad idea is worth exploring over and over again, so here we are in East Los Angeles with teen friends Jesse (Andrew Jacobs) and Hector (Jorge Diaz). Jesse has just turned 18 and received what every boy wants when he turns legal – demonic possession. He doesn’t know he’s possessed at first, else this film would take the idiot Exorcist route instead of the idiot Paranormal route. There were hints, of course: the two friends investigate strange noises in the downstairs apartment and lower a camera to discover some quality nudity, some not-so-quality nudity and a weird ritual. When both nude figures are shot the following day, curiosity is piqued. Yes, that about sums it up – a double homicide following a Satanic ritual in the apartment directly below yours is treated with mild curiosity.
I mourned. You killed off the nude women. Good luck enjoying the rest of this. Jesse does enjoy some of it; he fends off thugs with a half-hearted shove thanks to new demon strength. Then he plays the trust fall game with himself. And there’s a magic Simon. This is dealt with the same degree of intelligence as exhibited within the rest of the franchise – “my Simon game is possessed!” “That’s spooky! Let’s take the batteries out.”
There are just so many things I would love to remove the batteries from when it comes to Paranormal Activity films. At least this means we won’t get another one this Halloween, right? Right?
Two homeboys in Latino El Lay
Indulge in demonic par-tay
An entertainment storm?
Ha! That’s not Para-norm
Before quality, you’ll surely go gray
Rated R, 84 Minutes
D: Christopher Landon
W: Christopher Landon
Genre: “Horror”
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The parents of a few of the “actors”
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Found footage vets
