Avengers: Age of Ultron is a classic first night film – it’s a Friday; school is done for the weekend; you got your six best friends; there’s a huge screen, Lucas sound blasting, top-of-the-line 3D IMAX effects. You cheer! You holler! You laugh! Everybody has a good time.
Four months later, the same film comes out on DVD. Eager
to recapture that opening night feeling, you pop it in and … huh? It just doesn’t seem that good any more. Or, kinda, at all. Only because it isn’t, junior. Only because it isn’t.
Opening in the low forests of Chechnibratislavithuaniastan, the Avengers waste no time avenging, stunt doubles away! Luckily, Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) and Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) don’t even need lookalikes. Who stunt doubles for a Hulk, anyway? Bigger question is who are their opponents? One wonders how you recruit to fight Avengers – do you take out an ad? “Only those with a deathwish need apply?” Do you have to pay up front? Probably. And who applies? The terminally ill? Well, no wonder they go down so fast.
The forces of evil hold two wonder
twins in reserve — Aaron Taylor-Johnson knows how to Qick- Ass as the lightning-fast Quicksilver (but he’s not allowed to) and Elizabeth Olsen Martha-Macy-May know how to control minds, but she’s held back, too. What are they waiting for?
Long carnage short, heroes win, collect the trophy and take it back to Tony Stark’s place for a party. Within the booty, Tony recognizes something resembling artificial intelligence and his personal gooey paranoid center suddenly goes into overdrive with the realization that, manipulated properly, this force can be used to defend Earth permanently. Mad scientist, away! Come join me, Dr. Hulk. The second the blob becomes sentient, however, it adopts a robot body and the voice of James Spader – uh oh. That ain’t good. Spader never voices anything good; the best he ever rises to is “conflicted.”
In short, Tony Stark creates Ultron, who turns out to be the biggest threat known to mankind. Oops. My bad. An
intenet-connected entity, Ultron can take control of all computer-based tools and The Avengers: Age of Ultron war begins with the good guys down to just their measly super powers.
Awwww, isn’t that sweet? They gave Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) something to do. You might remember Hawkeye as the moron who always brings a bow and arrow to a gun fight – but here, he gets to host the Avenger pajama party! I get to braid Thor’s hair! Tell us a ghost story, Tony! Or, you know, just read your diary, same diff. Sorry, Hulk, about the allergies, but we don’t have any polyurethane pillows the size of a Buick; you’ll have to sleep on the floor.
Actually, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) skips out, claiming he left the oven on in Asgård or something. Meanwhile, Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) is playing kissy face with Hulk. That’s a lot of face to kiss. This leaves only Cap’n America (Chris Evans) without somethin’ to do, so we made him the leam leader. He is ranked “Cap’n,” after all.
Black Widow goes by “Nat” — short for “Natasha” — most of time here, which seemed odd to me cuz it’s a homophone of a standard spider meal. Which is it, babe? Predator or prey?
When ready, the Avengers have
another road game in Sokovia, a country that, despite being any other non-U.S.A. country on the planet, seems to have a relatively positive feeling about Americans, especially those Americans with super destructive powers. I suppose there’s gotta be one.
I guess I haven’t said how I feel about this film. It didn’t bore me. I was more-or-less interested with what was on screen, but there’s a real let-down in the lack of creativity battle-wise. I feel, just like with The Avengers, these are like Dungeons & Dragons battles, in which the object is to annihilate the massive opponent as quickly as possible. I recognize some creativity in the effort (especially when two or more Avengers combine, but mostly it’s just wham-bam-Hulka-slam.
The Avengers are at their best when they quip and make light of group members, like when Cap’n absent-mindedly scolds, “language,” during a fight early on and never hears the end of it. The mood of Ultron, however, quickly turns too cold for massive quipping. The introduction of Ultron itself is a fantastically creepy scene, almost surreal in the introduction of a villain nobody sees coming. And after that point, the smiles are
few. This is exacerbated by Tony Stark feeling guilty about unleashing Ultron on the world. RDJ is, acting-wise, a man among boys in these films, constantly finding the focus with little more than a questioning stare, but he kinda disappears in this one behind the mad scientist façade. Only the truly desperate will convince themselves that anybody is doing his/her best work in this film.
Ultron concludes with the curious introduction of an Avengers B team. Huh. They need a B team? Who do they get to battle? Ultron, Jr.? Professional wrestlers? Do you suppose they prefer “Li’l Avengers” or “AAAvengers?” My guess? We shall find out.
Ode to Avengers
Black Widow, your work is sublime
Thor, you’ve redefined Hammer Time
Hawkeye, you’re kind of a yawn
Hulk, please, get off my lawn
Cap’n, when do you get promoted?
Iron Man, Tony, RDJ, what the Hell, man? Where were you this film?
Rated PG-13, 141 Minutes
D: Joss Whedon
W: Joss Whedon
Genre: One billion dollars
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Opening nighters
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Those who have to be cajoled to see it
