What a wonderful time to be a stalker. Among The Age of Adaline, Cinderella and Fifty Shades of Grey, 2015 has been absolutely replete with, “Men: ‘No’ means ‘You’re not trying hard enough!’ “ Apparently, the rules are specialized – if I say ‘no,’ but you happen to be rich, handsome, single and full of free time and attention to spend on me, then by all means, interpret my ‘no’ any way you darn well please. There’s quite a slippery slope here, screenwriters.
At a New Year’s celebration, Adaline Bowman (Blake Lively) says ‘no’ about as many ways a woman can – she walks out, she closes her body to him, she responds with little more than polite conversation, she doesn’t give in to his flattery or supply fake digits. She even says, “no.” She gets into a cab assuming she won’t see Ellis (Michiel Huisman) again. Now I know many of you out there will find it very romantic when Ellis subsequently shows at Adaline’s place of employment and essentially blackmails her into having lunch with him, but, and I want you to think about this carefully – is this truly behavior you want to encourage?
We know the only reason she rejects him is she has been a self-imposed recluse since she turned immortal seventy years ago, but he doesn’t know that. No means no, pal.
This is just one brick in the solid wall of disappointment that is The Age of Adaline, a film with a marvelous premise wasted on a lack of imagination and weak acting. Adaline turned immortal during a freak Northern California coastal snow flurry that combined a corpse, ice water and lightning. This was actually explained in scientific terms. I kid you not; Age of Adaline actually had the gall to pretend that turning immortal is simply scientific discovery. Yeah, that was a mistake. Call it a miracle or a freak accident or whatever you need to, but if all you need for immortality is hypothermia and a strong jolt of electricity, we’d have seen it already. A lot.
Fine, take your premise. Run with it. Except this run is often a crawl or even a stand. Once Adaline discovers the government might be interested in her immortality, she becomes a roaming shut in, never opening herself up to love or relationships of any kind. The movie seems to imply she has great wisdom accumulated by age, but … living over a century and never keeping a friendship? In my book, that’s about as far from wisdom as it gets.
Of course, Adaline did have a love once. She walked out on him before the proposal, of course, but, whaddaya know? Good ol’ 60s f***buddy William (Harrison Ford) turns out to be Ellis’ father.
It’s difficult watching a great premise mangled in such fashion.
Now, when you discover that you’re currently sleeping with the son of a man you slept with four decades ago, there are many possible reactions you can have. I imagine the most common would be, “I’m sorry, Ell
is, but I can’t do this. I’m going; don’t look for me. Sorry.” The reaction we got was for Adaline to pretend she’s the daughter of William’s would-be fiancée and then give away the true secret at every opportunity.
This is a key moment in your movie. This is your time to say “love is eternal.” This was the moment to claim you’re poor woman’s Benjamin Button – Adaline turns to elder William and says, “I love you; I have always loved you. I was just too much of a coward to allow myself several decades of happiness.” And do you really think a guy whose wife never ages is going to have a problem with that? Really?
But that isn’t what you say, movie, is it? Adaline doesn’t seem to have any real feelings for the man she walked out on decades ago (this is mostly because Blake Lively is a shitty actress), but she remains having strong feelings for the son. You can call this romantic; I call it sick. You dated William for two years; you dated Ellis for two days. You still have reservations about Ellis! We know this because you don’t tell him anything. In fact, what he sees in you other than “hot girl” is beyond me. And you want us to root for this eternity? Dad’s encrusted seconds, forty years removed from a relationship?
The Age of Adaline gave the heroine a few quirks, but none really rung true – ok, she speaks many languages (I guess because of her age? But if she never gets out …?); she doesn’t want her picture taken, ever (because she’s secretly one of those tribesmen who believes photos steal your soul?); she’s quite good at trivia (I think this is implied because she’s been around, which doesn’t make sense to me – name me any game show dominated by old people). To me, Adaline doe seem a child of whatever age she belongs. Lemme ask this – Adaline was born in 1908, which makes her 21 when the Great Depression hit. Spending your first legal years in, perhaps, a Hooverville didn’t make any impression on her? This is both bad writing and bad acting. And a bad film.
♪Baby look at me. But not for long, you see
Just one glance is all you can bet
I’ve got time. I’m sure that you will forget
I’ve been around a bunch; and you might bank on that hunch
But I’ll be gone the moment you do
Don’t count on what you “knew”
I’ve made up my name
(Lame) I’m gonna live forever
I might even drop by (“Hi!”)
But even if you’re clever
I’ll disappear and you’ll die
(Lame) I’m gonna call myself “Jenny”
Write up new docs like a con (Con)
I’m gonna walk out on you, babe
You’ll feel like one big ol’ pawn♫
Rated PG-13, 110 Minutes
D: Lee Toland Krieger
W: J. Mills Goodloe & Salvador Paskowitz
Genre: Bad science
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Romantics. Hopeless, sick romantics
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Actual immortals
♪ Parody inspired by “Fame”
