Five men own the only keys to one apartment. They are all summoned to The Loft in question when one of them discovers a bloody, dead, naked woman handcuffed to the bedpost. Say what you will about anything else in this film – that’s a great premise.
The details of the great premise are not-so-great – The Loft is co-owned by the five so they can save money on flings and mistresses. Sure, why pay expensive hotel bills when you’ve got a time-share adultery nest? Make sure to call, “Next!”
Vincent (Karl Urban) is an architect/pussy hound. One gets the feeling that he got into architecture for the chicks. He builds a downtown residential highrise and claims one of the studios for his own on the premise that pals Chris (James Marsden), Luke (Wentworth Miller), Marty (Eric Stonestreet), and Philip (Matthias Schoenaerts) all go in together to cover expenses. And there’s no doubt about how the place will be used – the 800 square feet of living space are basically a couch, wet bar and king size bed. Do have the sheets laundered on a regular basis, won’t you fellas?
And on the morning in question, Vincent discovers a dead blonde in the bed and calls a meeting to discuss the house rules. “I specifically said ‘no corpses.’ Did you not read rule #6? And Marty, you’ve been using Luke’s condoms. Did you think we wouldn’t notice?” Actually, this is very Usual Suspects in set-up, no? Five men, one killer among them; whom do trust and why? Now let’s explore the backstory that got us to this part.
The portrayals in The Loft are as cynical as they come. The guys are, to a man, all presented as unrepentant cheaters. They simply range on the scale from nice guys who fall in love with their fling (Marsden) to serial philanderers (Urban). Philip is even presented with a key to The Loft during his own wedding reception, which he gladly accepts with minimal hesitation. Now that’s low. You can’t even feign loyalty during your wedding? If possible, the women in this film are even worse stereotypes. They come in two kinds – hot blonde gold digging sirens and brunette shrews. I’m guessing hair color determines exactly your lot
in this life. The blondes – Isabel Lucas and Rachel Taylor are treated sooooo much better than the brunettes, and yet like the housewives, they’re both interchangeable and expendable.
The payoff in The Loft is middling – there’s a bit of guessability and a bit of “huh?” The mystery is better than the sum of its parts. The timeline doesn’t work in the reveal. If you followed along dutifully, that’s going to bug you and bug you a lot. There’s also a resolution issue. I find all five men complicit to various extents in the evil that went on The Loft. Pointing the finger at one seems almost a semantics issue. It’s like a Klan member claiming no responsibility for the lynching because he was home that night. Ok, maybe not that bad – but, you all have keys; you all bought into this extramarital love pad fantasy; when something goes wrong, there’s plenty of responsibility to spread around. But not plenty of stars to spread around.
♪Body, wanna see dead body,
Body, body, such a thrill, dead body
Body, wanna gawk at this body
Body, body, why’s it here, this body?
Body, check her out, this body
Body, body such a hot dead body
Body, want to hide the body
Body, body, trouble from ev’rybody
Every man wants to be a miso miso man
Having plenty affairs with all the tail he can
Porkin’ in the morning, go man go
Check back at home later, need ma’ ho
You can best believe that
He’s a miso man
Treatin’ every woman as just a piece of spam
Hey! Hey! Screw that bride!
Miso miso man
I so dig misogyny man
Miso Miso man
Hump and dump, let’s go!♫
Rated R, 108 Minutes
D: Erik Van Looy
W: Bart De Pauw, Wesley Strick
Genre: One of you is an asshole. Wait. That’s not right. All of you are assholes. At least one of you is a murderer.
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Guys
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Gals
♪ Parody inspired by “Macho Man”
