Would you get sick of a live dinosaur park? Would you insist your dinosaurs be bigger, badder, toothier? Well lemme ask this — do you get bored at the zoo? At Marine World? On safari? This is the plot premise for Jurassic World – a theme park which has decided dinosaurs themselves were not big enough, literally or figuratively, to attract crowds indefintely. Have you checked the waiting list for the Galápagos lately? That place has three (3) slow-ass herbivorous reptiles, a blue-footed seagull and flight-challenged bird and folks still return in droves.
But sure, who wouldn’t look a T-rex and say, “I was kinda hoping for bigger, y’know?”
We are twenty-two 
years removed from the original Jurassic Park, and in the alternate universe of dino-re-evolution, history has been ignored and Jurassic World has emerged — a full blown Disneyland for dino enthusiasts complete with shows, rides, and tributes to people who died along the way, like John Hammond and Sam Neill. Oh, whoops, that was just his career. The park is owned and run almost completely by men. Yes, that’s stupid. I looked it up. Given the number of zoology degrees earned by women v. men these days; there should be more women in this film. And the film should treat them better. But I digress. The alpha is Owen Grady (Chris Pratt), a formal Navy officer, who, it seems, has managed to become the world’s foremost expert in theoretical structural engineering, extinct animal behavior and raptor training. And this badass lives alone in a trailer. In retrospect, I suppose that’s no less likely than the premise of bringing dinosaurs back to life and ignoring safety precautions while doing so.
Jurassic World did an A+ job of reintroducing the wonder of dinosaurs. Helps when you show through the eyes child – even the petting zoo with baby triceratops rides looks awesome. The early part of the film centers about two minors, the younger of whom (Ty Simpkins) is stuck in world where View-Masters are still cool. Naturally, a trip to Jurassic World is right up his alley, divorcing parents or no. Yeah, yeah, I
(my daughter’s idea)
know what you’re thinking – Jurassic film … how long until this kid is in mortal peril? Just hold on, his parents have made precautions in the form of his older brother Zach (Nick Robinson) and park official Aunt Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard). Oh, they’re both jerks? Yeah, about 45 seconds.
I wonder what it’s like to be Bryce Dallas Howard … knowing half a decade ago that you set yourself up for all the juicy roles requiring an emotionally vacant redhead only to realize an immediate contemporary (Jessica Chastain) does them better. I suppose she was built for this role, knowing what it’s like to be prematurely extinct and all.
While Claire was simply unavailable, Zach actually cultivated my hatred. Apparently, no dinosaur managed to capture his attention as none were dressed in a mini skirt and texting their little dino friends about the hott homosapien in line at the monorail.
Long story short – the genetically-engineered and misunderstood monster, Indominus Rex – I’m not kidding. Seriously, I didn’t make that up—has gotten loose and the Jurassic Parks & Rec guy has to hunt it down before it gets to civilians. Uh oh, too late. Megatruckasaur has the boys trapped in their two-person hamster ball like a giant jaw breaker.
This film suffers from the same malady that conquered The Lost World – an overly empathic view of these extinct and, let’s face it, mythical in the case of Gigantasaur, beasts. There are at least a dozen violent human deaths in Jurassic World, but you’ll only shed a tear for the helpless Apatosaurus as he lays dying in Owen’s arms while Claire stands idly by wondering what it’s like to have emotions.
My favorite franchise homage here, however, is the moment the stranded boys discover the overgrown original rec center from Jurassic Park. Zach makes a torch out of a giant bone and that poster reading “when dinosaurs ruled the earth” and the boys go exploring. And there it is – the symbolic and desperate search for the magic
found in the original Steven Spielberg classic. Look carefully, boys, maybe Colin Trevorrow has overlooked something.
I ran into an article last week claiming Jurassic World had ruined the franchise. I had to reread the article several times because the speaker seemed to have imagined that Jurassic Parks 2 & 3 were films worth seeing more than once (or at all). I suppose if you can imagine Chris Pratt as a dinosaur whisperer or turning an insect bite into a living fossil, you can imagine that, too. I take a different turn. I like rebooting the genre; these films have a knack for tapping into the boy in me who loved dinosaurs and Jurassic World certainly captures the adventure in that scenario. But the boy in me who criticizes film? He knows you still can’t touch the first.
♪Guess who just got back this May
Them dinosaurs that had been away
Haven’t changed that formulae
They get loose and then folks wet ‘em
They were askin’ if sound was surround
Or if you need those 3D glasses you found
Told ‘em great effects in the round
Doesn’t matter if the tale’s a repeat
The ‘saurs are back in town
(The ‘saurs are back in town)
The ‘saurs are back in town
(The ‘saurs are back in town again)♫
Rated PG-13, 124 Minutes
D: Colin Trevorrow
W: Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Colin Trevorrow & Derek Connolly
Genre: Modern science, ancient monsters
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Wide-eyed pre-pubescent zoologists
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Feminists
♪ Parody inspired by “The Boys Are Back in Town”
Well, you totally nailed the “type of person least likely to enjoy this film.” Claire is a mishmash of every last-century trope about successful women. They’re secretly unsure (she practices her lines in the elevator); they’re easily distracted by personal issues (she abandons her post and any responsibility for 20,000 other humans to go after her nephews), and of course, as a “good girl,” what she really wants is a scoundrel. Look how thrilled she is when one of the boys points out how badass her boyfriend is.
On the “guy” cliche side, we get nerd punishment (how dare the crass, weak-chinned nerd go in for the kiss?); and the elimination of the unfit (we get to see that overweight guard shoving a sandwich in his face right before he got eaten, so it was totally, like, justifiable dinosaur homicide).
I know the death of Claire’s poor assistant was so over the top it was supposed to be humorous. I thought it was sick.
I loved the homages to the original film. I loved the dinosaurs, especially the velociraptors. Too bad I hated the story, the characters, and the resolution. Please, tell me one of the pterosaurs ate the fleeing scientist and his briefcase full of future awful sequels.