Every single part of California is doing the Wrecky Shuffle; thank goodness The Rock has been retrofitted.
Let me ask this … do you really not know how the state names of, say, “Oregon” or “Nevada” are supposed to be pronounced, or would you prefer the locals just gave in and changed for your benefit? I’m baffled not how you get this wrong, but why? It’s just not that hard to avoid saying “Ne-vah-dah.” I know you’ve heard this. It’s not like people around me are saying, “Ill-uh-NOISE” or “Ar-kan-ZASS.”
That said … I’m glad I heard, “Ne-vah-dah” seventeen separate times in the first half hour of San Andreas because I was then prepared for earthquakes as imagined by non-Californians. Wow, you guys have quite an imagination. And you must think the entire west coast is made of papier-mâché.
San Andreas decided to give us a version of “the big one” in which, and I’m not kidding here, every.single.structure in the entire state of California was either destroyed or flooded or both. I would love to invite the producers, director, editor, writer or any of the cast to check out an actual earthquake. You’d think, most of you being familiar with greater Los Angeles (where, I’m told, many films are made), you’d have experience with an earthquake or two, but San Andreas suggests otherwise.
Rescue copter pilot Ray (Dwayne Johnson) opens the action with a daring copter-dangling save in a narrow canyon. What we take from this is that The Rock doesn’t actually need co-workers. Burdened by peers, he’s flying and rescuing solo from now on. You’ll love the part where he leaves a helicopter on “hover” while claiming his soon-to-be-ex-wife (Carla Gugino) from a crumbling high rise. Hey, these things practically rescue themselves. The Rock has been pretty cool about losing his wife to gazillionaire Daniel (Ioan Grufffffuddddd). Isn’t it cute, he still has a healthy relationship with remaining daughter Blake (Alexandra Daddario).
Meanwhile, CIT professor Lawrence (Paul Giamatti, phoning this one in like a teenage girl trying to capture free Justin Bieber tickets for the 17th caller) has perhaps discovered a way to predict earthquakes. Lemme tell ya – that’s a piece of science worth discovering. Luckily, Ne-vah-dah is providing enough seismic information to confirm a thesis or five. After the Hoover Dam becomes a Hooverville, Prof. Larry both confirms his thesis and confirms we’re all screwed. The tectonic plate is moving. Violently. All of it. At once. Oh.
Well, geez, just because geology has never behaved that way in the history of the Earth, it doesn’t mean it can’t I suppose. And it kinda doesn’t stop. In fact, San Andreas has no distinct delineation between “an earthquake is happening right now” and “there’s no earthquake happening right now,” which is pretty silly 
because, take it from somebody who’s lived here over 40 years, that’s all you care about when actual earthquakes happen. No, these imagined quakes are sooooo violent, building collapse and tsunami attack are constant threats for hours on end. In fact, The Rock actually travels from Southern California to Northern California, changing vehicles thrice, mind you, while the constant stream of disaster continues.
While buildings fall like dominoes up and down California squishing humanity right and left, the plot, ironically, decided to leave no cliché buried – distracted teen in a car accident, rescues only the hero can perform, nick-of-time roof collapse rescues, resourceful stranded daughter, douchebag potential stepfather, wife deciding her estranged love with The Rock is no longer on the rocks.
I’m not quite sure what my favorite part of San Andreas was – Paul Giamatti ducking under a desk every other scene? The Rock crashing both a copter and a plane in the name of safety? Daniel abandoning his trapped future stepdaughter when all he had to do was press the little button that moves the car front seat forward? No, for me actually, the highlight of this awful was the point at which Blake thieves supplies from a fire truck, because, well, why wouldn’t you? It’s not like there’s an emergency in need of attention, is there?
Disaster movies often signal careers on the steep downside. Think Steve McQueen and William Holden in The Towering Inferno or Richard Dreyfuss and Kurt Russell in Poseidon. I’m not sure that’s the case here – Alexandra Daddario is clearly on the rise, despite this mess. I don’t see The Rock or Paul Giamatti on the downside of anything right now, but I could be wrong. Here’s hopin’.
♪Summer’s Day
In a deep and dark disaster
He is The Rock
Dangling from a cable
To the cliffs below
He’ll save more than
You will ever know
He is The Rock
He makes entrance grand
And The Rock feels no pain♫
Rated PG-13, 114 Minutes
D: Brad Peyton
W: Carlton Cuse
Genre: The disaster we’re all hoping for
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Chicken Little
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Californians
♪ Parody inspired by “I Am a Rock”
