My inner voice is telling me to pan this and pan it good. Pan it like a Greek satyr. Pan it like I’m making Sunday breakfast. Pan it like I’m at Sutter’s Mill in 1848 (tell me you’re not looking that up). There are vanity pieces advertising your religion – Battlefield Earth and The Passion of the Christ come to mind — and there are vanity pieces advertising your personal Christ complex — like The Postman — but it’s been quite some time since I saw a vanity piece in which an old man needed to convince the world he was a sexual dynamo.
Why, John Turturro, why did you feel the need to write, direct, and star yourself as a 55 year-old first-time gigolo? I mean, not that it isn’t true to to life, of course. Why just the other day, I read about a guy born during the Eisenhower administration servicing both Sharon Stone and Sofía Vergara for $2,000. Sure, that isn’t even news any more. Now I’m not sayin’ that’s unrealistic, but, ummm, the part where money changes hands in this ménage-à-trois? Given the participants –there’s not enough of it, and, it’s going the wrong way.
This is the essential plot of Fading Gigolo: Murray (Woody Allen) is friend/confidant to florist Fioravante (Turturro). Allen is a good inclusion here, ‘cause if you’re gonna have a completely unrealistic sense of your sexual charisma, there’s no better yardstick than Woody Allen. A stone’s throw from the opening credits, Murray suggests his Italian friend would make a good gigolo. Neither man addresses the audience question: Why did you have this thought and what made you voice it aloud? And with a minimum of arm-pulling, John Turturro is turning tricks with Allen as his pimp, and the two are, literally, making thousands of dollars. There’s your punchline, yet 75 minutes of movie remain.
To fill in the gaps, Fading Gigolo is set in a section of Brooklyn so Jewish that even the local cop (Liev Schreiber) dons sidecurls (“Payot” for those playing at home; isn’t learning fun?). Schreiber and widower Avigal (Vanessa Paradis) are introduced so the movie can have something to do. Vanessa Paradis, btw, represents the first ever adult screen female love interest in serious need of
braces; not entire sure whether to commend or attack Fading for this – I found it very distracting. As the scorned friend-zoned cop, Schreiber conveys nothing positive to this role, but the kidnap he engineers at the end of Act II reminds us that police corruption knows no demographic.
The best moments in Fading Gigolo are, thankfully, the intimate ones with Turturro on the clock. His easy confidence does enhance the foreplay involved; it even made me consider that a younger, hunkier and more handsome version of this character might possibly merit as much as 20% of what he’s paid here. I kept holding out for a sexual interaction with somebody who isn’t Sharon Stone or Sofía Vergara – is the job of gigolo harder when the woman isn’t attractive? It must be, right? Being 55 can’t exactly help, either.
I’m left wondering, “who is this movie for?” It’s a comedy only in the traditional sense the the stories will resolve positively; there isn’t a laugh-out-loud moment in the entire film. It’s also not terribly erotic despite the subject matter. I’m gonna guess this film is for the aging man who likes to pretend that Sharon Stone will pay $1,500 to have sex with him. In retrospect, I suppose there are a lot of us; but we all know there’s a better chance of encountering an actual Mutant Ninja Turtle.
A boomer opts, in fighting recession,
To pursue the world’s oldest profession
Turturro sells sex
Memory, all vex
Dear Brain, please forgive that impression
Rated R, 90 Minutes
D: John Turturro
W: John Turturro
Genre: Old Man fantasy
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The AARP Viagra crowd
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Do you find John Turturro repellant?
