Pixels

Now look, Martians, you have to call “next” by putting a quarter on top of the Earth, see? It’s Pluto’s turn to fight Earthlings until you make this gesture. Well, of course you want to go next; interstellar war has never been more fun!

Pixels is one of the best ideas of 2015 – a video time capsule including hot arcade action sent to outer space in 1982 got the attention of an alien race; unfortunately, this race “mistook” our attempts to bridge cultural differences as a challenge. Hence, an unknown alien culture with far superior technology has come to destroy Earth in the form of Pac-Man, Centipede and Donkey Kong; best three of five wins.

There is no point at which you don’t imagine Pixels is anything but a silly film. In case you weren’t hit on the head hard enough with the thought of the Earth being attacked by 1980s video games, the President of the United States here is played by Kevin James. President Cooper (James) represents the first president, fictional or otherwise, of whom I ever had the thought, “you know what, Mr. President? I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve gotta go home and … feed the dog. Yeah, yeah, I fed her before I left, but that was almost 45 minutes ago.”

James is necessary, however, because who else who think to save the world by counting on losers Brenner (Adam Sandler), Ludlow (Josh Gad), and Eddie (Peter Dinklage)? What do they have in common? Thirty years ago, they were the best video gamers Cooper personally knew. That’s right, not the best in the world, necessarily, just the best ones he had ever met.

So basically, the Earth is minding its own business, not doing nothin’ but rotatin’ and overheatin’ and stuff when all of a sudden Guam is attacked by Galaga. Meanwhile, in D.C., Brenner is an electronics installer hitting on the newly single Lt. Col. Violet (Michelle Monaghan). There’s a cute moment where both are summoned to the White House and assume bragging rights apply. There are also cute moments when the Earth gets to keep Q*bert as a spoil of war, and cute moments when Pac-Man the destructor is introduced to the now aged creator of Pac-Man.

And this is a cute film. Lord knows I’ve come to loathe the work of Adam Sandler, but I quite enjoyed Pixels. Yes, there’s not a single moment rooted in logic — nary a one; no, don’t even try to explain where humans got weapons to fight the aliens or why if the solution was to employ middle-aged arcade junkies there wouldn’t be more recruited to help or why an alien race who could mop up our planet with a single joystick would choose combat of this nature. Don’t ask, don’t tell; perhaps the devoted illogic is what I liked about it. I doubt I will enjoy the inevitable sequel, but we’ll blow that asteroid when we get there.

One of the oddest trends of 2015 is the potential blockbuster clearly inspired by a documentary. The rivalry between Brenner and Eddie in the film is described in The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. Later this year, Robert Zemeckis is giving us The Walk, clearly inspired by the documentary Man on Wire. Oh, there’s no end to the jokes along these lines, but you know? Game over, man. Game over.

♪I’m behind on my mortgage
And I’ve got bills to pay

Wasted most of my twenties
On an L.E.D. display

My spouse sure didn’t linger
My dog departed, too

But these skills will come in handy
When the Prez nabs you

‘Cause I got Pac Man Fever (Pac Man Fever)
More like “disorder” (More like disorder)
I got Pac Man Fever (Pac Man Fever)
Thirty years behind (Thirty years behind) ♫

Rated PG-13, 105 Minutes
D: Chris Columbus
W: Tim Herlihy and Timothy Dowling
Genre: Delightful xenophobia
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Middle-aged arcade veterans
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “This is stupid.”

♪ Parody inspired by “Pac Man Fever”