Oh good. More food. I was hungry. What’s on the docket this evening? Why, it’s traditional high class French cuisine with a side of Vindaloo. How can you go wrong? The Hundred-Foot Journey promotes the enjoyment of gastronomy with a questionable array of mediocre ingredients: weak romance, a ridiculous battlefield, cultural insensitivity, and characters almost exclusively enjoyable to only the eldest of theater patrons.
The Kadam family has had enough. They’ve loaded up the truck and moved to Burgundy. Well, I couldn’t tell you exactly where they were other than “rural France.” This Indian family has crash landed; the car fortuitously lost its power to brake. Of course, it seemed to find it again once the jalopy stopped on a minor incline, but that’s beside the point. This is fate! Behold the valley hosting a Gallic Eden … a hamlet so idyllic that every time the sun rises upon it (which is on several occasions), I expected Belle to appear from beyond a pasture singing “♪Little town, it’s a quiet village … ♫” Papa (Om Puri) is sold. It’s time to set down roots; damn the opinions of family, the town, and I’m sorry, why is the French government ok with this?
The Hundred-Foot Journey across the “street” in the gravel district of this village lies the local treasure: a one-star restaurant run by Madame Mallory (Helen Mirren). Don’t be fooled, while one-star to a film critic means somebody should have to tie you to your chair, one-star in French dining terms separates special restaurants from McChez. In fact, French food critics issue stars with the same frequency by which any member of the Republican Party takes responsibility for consequences.
Madame is instantly threatened by the noobs. Why? This is kind of like Fed-Ex being threatened by the opening of a new post office. “But what if people discover they like slower, unreliable service?” Despite the warning actions across the street, Papa preaches the joy of Indian cuisine, especially as prepared by his gifted son, Hassan (Manish Dayal). And this is our 
story line — the classy renowned hoity-toity Maison Ratatouille battles the upstart Bad-News-Bears Injun hovel.
I’m sorry, why didn’t Madam just have them deported? And why is it important that Papa not yield to a single cultural or local custom? Why, to endear the denizens, jackass. Ah, but is Hassan falling for “rival” chef, Marguerite (Charlotte Le Bon)? Will we have to take back one Kadam to honor the God of Love? Well, we might if the love story were written better. It wasn’t.
There’s no shortage of clichés in Hundred-Foot Journey: the idea that passion is the most important element in cooking, that chefery comes from intuitive extrasensory perception rather than the five you got, the metaphor of food as life, the stubborn opponents slowly breaking down barriers, the portrayal of Indian culture as uncompromising and loud, the presentation of Helen Mirren as a bitch-on-wheels only to let us on to her charms 90 minutes in. If you’re one inclined to like this film before you start, it probably won’t disappoint. If, however, you were on the fence, I doubt seriously you’ll be convinced by movie’s end.
Two rivals at setting the plate
Show us it’s never too old to hate
The action is weak
The grandeur is meek
Yeah, but the food looks great
Rated PG, 122 Minutes
D: Lasse Hallström
W: Steven Knight
Genre: Food for lack of thought
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The hungry
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The realistic
