There are nude beaches in Brooklyn? Who knew? People from Brooklyn, I’m guessing. If you can hold on that long, there’s some nice toplessness by the end of this film, but it’s gonna be pain getting there.
I might have to empty out the thesaurus on this one – vapid, vacuous, hollow, vacant, shallow, superficial, insipid, uninspiring, stupid, thoughtless, injudicious, foolish, indiscreet, careless … I’ll stop there. Fort Tilden is the destination of two _____________ (pick from the list above) twentysomethings who decided to salvage the previous evening’s “entertainment” by making a plan to hook up with a cute guy.
Strangely, for a film about narcissistic airheads, these two are actually pretty easy to tell apart – Allie (Clare McNulty) is the blonde; she’s headed to the Peace Corps in Liberia. Well, she isn’t, actually. Fort Tilden makes no bones about how Allie will skip out last second. My only question is how she got signed up in the first place? Peace Corps isn’t a day camp. Her life goal is to whine about everything. Harper (Bridey Elliott) is the brunette vixen. She isn’t satisfied without a daily dickpic from her drug dealing boyfriend, and is certainly the one who will be scoring at Fort Tilden. She’s a terrible artist and spends money as if it’s a contest. And she, too, has a life goal to whine about everything.
Without car or resources, the two have to cross Brooklyn during the day while avoiding spending money and Allie’s Peace Corps agent. One block into their trip, Hayley pays a homeless man $200 for a used bug-infested barrel he probably doesn’t own. Several blocks after that, the two find a used clothing store to spend money they don’t have while patiently viewing a boy steal Allie’s bicycle. Yes, they stood and 
watched a guy steal her bicycle. Their response? “Well, now we have to get rid of the other bicycle and take a cab.” The other bicycle is borrowed, btw. They leave it behind a dumpster in the ghetto carelessly draped with a garbage bag or two.
Did that sound funny? It certainly could have been. In retrospect, I found myself thinking, “yeah, I might have laughed at that if I didn’t hate the leads so much.” Stupid, vacuous and self-absorbed is one of the classic bad combinations. Add pretty and you’ll find people who spend their lives bringing pain to others, intentionally or otherwise. These are characters which require professional handling. We saw these types in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. In the hands of Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow, well, those two were able to find something endearing about the pair.
Here, however … I’m guessing the directors said, “I want you to get to the core of this character – she’s a selfish vamp who thinks she’s something better.” This is where acting comes in. You can’t just abuse the guy whose bike you’re going to borrow and abandon him. You have to add just a little something that makes us believe you feel badly about how this went down. Otherwise, I don’t like you, and your attitude makes me believe I shouldn’t even sympathize with the bike owner because he’s a zero, too. That’s how Fort Tilden went; in hindsight, the pic was better than the one-star would suggest. While watching it, however, if it weren’t for the topless beach, this would have been a very sad hour-and-a-half. I doubt very much I will ever print the names Clare McNulty or Bridey Elliott again. You had your chance, girls. You.had.your.chance.
In empathy these two are short
Having constant need of support
In vanity strive
With hostility thrive
Are you sure Tilden is worth the efFort?
Rated R, 98 Minutes
D: Sarah-Violet Bliss, Charles Rogers
W: Sarah-Violet Bliss, Charles Rogers
Genre: The values of the vapid
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Hmmm … what’s the millennial equivalent of “Valley Girl?”
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Parents
