When I was a kid, I went to Disneyland. I distinctly remember on one of the 17 boat rides that day – this one with a Wind in the Willows theme, IIRC – the guide pointing to a wardened off section to the right, “that’s called ‘Never Never Land,’ because we never never take you there” (wait for laughter). After discovering yet another failed attempt to cash in on the Pan mythology, I respect more-and-more a punchline in lieu of bad art.
J.M. Barrie died in June of 1937. Imagine my surprise in learning that the true origin of Peter Pan began during the London Blitz of WWII. Good for you, J.M., but you think you might have warned England, ya putz. Say … didn’t Narnia begin with the London Blitz? And Woman in Black 2? A lot of weird mystical crap happened while the Luftwaffe came to town, huh?
When Peter (Levi Miller) is snatched from the orphanage, kidnapped and dragged to what I’m guessing is forced-labor camp Neverland, local pit boss Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman) leads a chorus or two of that pirate classic “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” This is not a joke. Looks like a joke, doesn’t it? It’s not. The next day, during, I dunno, calisthenics, the hoard warms to “Blitzkrieg Bop.” Good Lord, man, you’ve mixed three different twentieth century eras in ten minutes … with pirates.
Did I mention the part where the RAF gets into a dogfight with the flying pirate ship? Local orphanage pit boss, Sister Tor Johnson (Kathy Burke), there had an agreement to sell the unattached waifs to the Thuggees, I mean pirates, definitely pirates employing children to mine for mystical objects. Anyway Sister Tor sold the children for what appears to be gold dubloons and apricot jam. How does that not make sense?
That was the good part of the film. Once it gets to Peter escaping Blackbeard and discovering the weaselly nobility of currently two-handed James Hook (Garrett Hedlund) and the impressionist exhibit of Rooney Mara, this became the screen equivalent of garbage time. “What do you want, coach? The flying pirate ships attack each other in a big crystal cave?” “Sure. Why not? Can’t hurt this mess any more.”
Twenty-four years ago, Steven Spielberg investigated the 
greater Peter Pan world with the epic failure, Hook. I want y’all to appreciate exactly how similar these films are:
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- The action lies strictly outside the accepted Peter Pan timeline.
- Lost Boy island imagined as an X-Gamer skate park.
- Peter has to learn how to fly – you’d think he’d just know by now, right?
- The villain is a flamboyant wigged old man pirate trying to pass for young (or at least middle aged).
- Unnecessarily vivid and gooey pastels mark the good characters/good lands v. evil ones.
- It sucked.
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I’m all for reimagining classic heroes and classic stories. I’m all for developing prequels and sequels and alternative explanations for tales we love, but here’s the problem – the Peter Pan prehistory has been explored and enjoyed in a set of wonderful books beginning with Peter and the Starcatchers written, fairly recently I might add, by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson. If you guys are too cheap to buy the rights to that tale, then your take has to be on par with Starcatchers, especially if you’re going to take liberties with history. Pan wasn’t even close.
♪They’re queing in a straight line
Make sure snacks come with wine
Story in the decline
The pre-Pan flop
They’re drifting in the row seats
Imagining some great feats
Something surely that beats
This pre-Pan flop
Hey ho, let’s blow
I’m watching this ennui grow
This Pan flick, I dunno
I’ve watched enough now time to go♫
Rated PG, 111 Minutes
D: Joe Wright
W: Jason Fuchs
Genre: Piracy … during WWII ?
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Young children
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Their parents
♪ Parody inspired by “Blitzkrieg Bop”
