You know how you’re in a group photo and somebody with the mentality of a small boy (often a small boy) gives “rabbit ears” to the person standing next to him? Tell me, when you examine that photo, when anybody examines that photo, does he/she/they get a chuckle out of that? Ever? I never laughed at a rabbit ears shot even when I was the offender.
Ladies, gentlemen, welcome to the world of Marlon Wayans. This is the world of graffiti on a Velvet Elvis, or a moustache painted on Dogs Playing Poker. The idea is taking mediocre art and abasing it in the most puerile and least considered fashion possible. If humor happens, well, that’s happy accident. Just don’t count on it.
The most awful part of this parody is no 2015 film deserved a greater riffing than Fifty Shades of Grey. Few cinematic disasters in history have cried out with such fervent shrill, “Please! Please! Please rip me to shreds! I am bad, indulgent fan fiction! I am a cynical indulgent fantasy! I have no roots in quality art and have no sense of self-awareness!”
Yeah, um, fail. First off, I can’t actually tell you what Fifty Shades of Black is because the plot makes no sense. Just like in the original, a plain-Jane (Kali Hawk) has to interview mogul billionaire Christian [Black] (Wayans). Unlike the original, however, Hannah (Hawk) doesn’t seem entranced by the man. And why would she? In an effort to tell “jokes,” Wayans has portrayed Christian Black as petty, impatient, unkind, frank, and, in a word, ugly. Real or imagined, the fascination that Dakota Johnson holds for Jamie Dornan in Grey simply doesn’t exist in this film.
Do you understand what parody is? Do you? I don’t think ya do [/Seinfeld].
If Hannah isn’t otherworldly moved by whatever moves women to follow, blindly, an uncompromising bully, this parody doesn’t work. All you’re left with is drawing moustaches and holding up bunny fingers, which is exactly what this film is, an exercise in mildly defacing bad art. Hannah has a different point-of-view for every scene because there’s no logical connection between them. Nobody asked why Hannah would want to get tied up; she simply gets tied up because that’s what Jamie Dornan did to Dakota Johnson. Christian puts Hannah in handcuffs? Wouldn’t it be funny if he lost the key … and had to get the super, a locksmith, a magician, a cop and a metallurgist to come get her free? Isn’t that riot? In Fifty Shades of Black, that qualifies as inspired humor.
Parody is critique. It is taking a film and not just writing, but actually
demonstrating exactly how and why the art fails. To do this, one must understand the film inside and out, perhaps as well or better than the people who made the film. Fifty Shades of Black looks at this Velvet Elvis and recognizes that it might be funny with rabbit ears or a big moustache; it hasn’t examined what Elvis is wearing, how he carries himself, how old he is, what he might be doing, or even who he is; it simply takes a photo with two fingers stuck behind his head.
Sigh. I’d actually rather be watching Fifty Shades of Grey than this piece of crap. I’m not kidding. Congrats, Marlon and Michael Tiddes; I don’t believe that phrase has yet been uttered anywhere.
Oooh, they made her frumpy
Yeah, we’ll make her frumpy
Oooh, he was a mogul
Yeah, we’ll make a mogul
Oooh, she’s kinda nervous
Yeah, we’ll make her nervous
Oooh, a meet uncute
Yeah, well ours is, too
Oooh, she dug his shit
Yeah … we made her frumpy
Rated R, 92 Minutes
D: Michael Tiddes
W: Marlon Wayans, Rick Alvarez
Genre: Why are you watching this?
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Don’t honestly know. Marlon Wayans. Maybe.
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody with an ounce of taste
