Next time, how about fabricating personality instead of conflict, huh? Here’s my message to movie goers: If you’re looking for a reason as to why Batman is fighting Superman, keep looking. If you’re hoping to see an epic battle of heroic titans, keep looking. If, on the other hand, your standards are set on “stupid costumed guys punching through walls,” then have a seat. Zack Snyder has a treat for you.
I’d like to say I was disappointed by Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, but, truth is, the premise didn’t make any sense to begin with – Batman and Superman might be on opposite sides of the Dungeons & Dragons lawful/chaotic spectrum, but both would easily see the value of the other, which means that they’re fighting over what? Vanity? Territory? Did you know that Gotham is just “across the river” from Metropolis? No kidding, right? This isn’t a problem, is it? You two play nice.
The biggest problem for me here is it’s impossible to reconcile superheroes in the internet age. It would take face recognition software and approximately three seconds to properly identify Superman as Clark Kent (Henry Cavill), which means that Lois Lane (Amy Adams) & co. would constantly be in witness protection or under secret service protection, right? Here, Superman is brought to testify before congress. Whaaaaaa?! 
Superman doesn’t answer to congress, does he? Who serves that summons anyway, The Flash? Oh, I forgot, it’s Zack Snyder; this is about metaphor. BvS introduced a character, Senator Finch (Holly Hunter), for the sole purpose of defining larger-than-life figures in abstract terms. So what is it, Zack, does Superman represent the overreach of the all-powerful United States military, amassing collateral damage in the effort to do good? Or is Superman the alien [read: Muslim] potential threat promoted by the paranoid? Because he can’t be both.
And how is Ben Affleck as Batman? Fine, I guess. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you.
There seemed precious little to go on. Hole-y Batscripts! My biggest takeaway here is that he uses, and makes no bones about using, voice modulation in costume (perhaps in response to the bass growl presented by Christian Bale). BvS went very little for establishing either man, which sucks cuz I want to know what brings them to battle one another – insults? Drive-bys? General malaise? I could almost expect this of Superman– that guy’s a tool– but the Caped Crusader? One lukewarm threat and the world’s greatest detective is hijacking kryptonite deliveries?! Anyway, that’s not the point. Point is, the only role getting screenplay love here is Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg). Jesse made the most of this opportunity; I liked him much better as a partially stable megalomaniac than, say, the obsequious reporter in The End of the Tour. Even here, though, I question the motivation – LexCorp (wow, who lends his first name to business ventures? Even The 
Donald prefers “Trump”) is doing quite well. Why does Lex need to get rid of the supers? I guess we just have to take evil on faith.
Zack Snyder has a fantastic idea of how a scene should be shot, but has less and less of an idea of what he should be shooting. Take this excerpt of horror at the Wayne family crypt: Nice establishing shot Affleck standing foreground in the grass, back to us, mausoleum in the background – is a storm coming? Cut to the tomb: “Martha Wayne.” Curiously interred at chest level – are his parents sharing the family crypt or what? Black goo starts seeping from the indent, more seeps, a steady stream. Affleck investigates with a finger. Then the wall rips open to reveal a ghastly sharp-toothed ghoul already a-pouncin’, what the Hell? Is that Nosferatu in mom’s tomb? There’s no denying that a professional shot this scene. Question is, what is it doing here? What’s with the dark? The horror? Why do we need to learn more of Batman’s background and practically none of Superman’s – and why isn’t there more Jeremy Irons?
Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent both have mothers named “Martha,” is that right? That’s weird. But not weird enough to make into a major plot point. Check it out, their alter ego names also both end in “MAN!” Does it matter? No. I’m guessing “Dawn of Justice” is a hint at “Hall of Justice,” the fortress of the “Super Friends.” I think this picture is intended to establish the movie version of the Hall, just as the cheesy cartoons did in the 1970s. Dudes! We’re getting our band back together. Yeah, the collection of traditional superheroes fighting crime as one is a really cool idea … or would be if it didn’t exactly resemble what The Avengers has already done. Also, somebody might clue in that the “Super Friends” cartoon was only worth watching when the “Legion of Doom” showed up. Seventeen world beaters to nab a cat burglar is lame. A hero is only as good as his villain … especially if you’re not gonna give him much to say or do.
♪(I fought, I fought)
I fought Superman
And I lived to tell the tale
(I fought, I fought)
I fought Superman
Epic cinema fail
If you think he’d rip me right to shreds like paper, you’re not wrong
Any mortal with this idea shouldn’t last for long
I fought Superman
And I broke my little cowl
(I fought, I fought)
I fought Superman
He could’ve made me howl
Doesn’t make a lick of sense why we’d fight toe-to-toe
That red sun punk could punch right through my chest with just one blow♫
Rated PG-13, 151 Minutes
D: Zack Snyder
W: Chris Terrio and David S. Goyer
Genre: Inventing the Super Friends
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The easily overwhlemed
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of Superheroes being … heroic
♪ Parody inspired by “I Am Superman”
