I’m pretty sure everything English in the 1970s was creepy. Don’t ask why. Don’t know why. Fashion, humor, traffic, buildings, literature, politics, and even children’s toys. All eerie and disturbing. Mid-70s outer London is the perfect setting for a horror; entire neighborhoods reflect the mood of The Beatles‘ gem “Eleanor Rigby.” These are places that even the sun has forgotten.
After putting Amityville on the map, Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) have become a power couple on the paranormal circuit; I know it sounds fun when you go on talk shows and the crowds scream and afterwards groupie priests want you to touch their bibles and ghostbabes want you to sign their quasi-corporeal breasts and stuff, but these two don’t seem to be enjoying any of it.
Meanwhile, in another film, a dirt-poor London family is suddenly haunted by a dead old man. He seems really angry about having folks in “his” house, but early on all his rage comes to is a fight for the clicker. How many channels did the BBC have in the 1970s, anyway? In this country, we had about six, which I’m thinkin’ was about six times as many as 70s BBC. A remote control with ten switches … why?
The class hierarchy in England is still strong, even among the deceased. We learned from The Boy that the undead plaguing the British upper crust have a more refined palette, preferring classical music and highballs to barca loungers and crude TV.
Seeing dudes scared but not moving out, Old Man Glimmer steps up his game, possessing the younger daughter Janet (Madison Wolfe) as a parlor trick for company. Eventually this attracts the attention of the retired Warrens, who are literally battling demons of their own including the painting of a ghostnun come to life.
Listen, folks, if you are in a James Wan film, here are some pointers: first thing, move. It can’t hurt. Then – don’t sleep, don’t turn off lights, don’t own a basement, don’t visit a basement, don’t have extra clothing, don’t have places to put extra clothing, don’t draw anything, don’t paint anything, don’t play games, and for the love of Tyler Perry, do not own anything a child might play with. We know from the very moment we see the youngest boy conquering his stutter with a crude rotating motion picture device called “The Crooked Man” that eventually there will be an
actual hideous and frightening Crooked Man in the house (the effect of a dog and umbrella stand transforming is quite a marvel, btw).
The Conjuring 2 is yet another representative in the world of cinematic horror in which pretty much everything gets solved if the people just freaking leave. Ghost wants you out? Starts to possess your daughter? Violence to follow? Kind of a no brainer, people. GET OUT!
There are a fair number of oddities about The Conjuring 2. One is that for a genuinely scary modern horror film, the body count is quite low. Second is that for a modern horror film, the run time is quite high. Combine these first two ideas and you’re talking about a film in which aims to keep you scared –and just scared, no more- for hours of film. That is not an easy task. Oddest of all, however, is for a horror film, Conjuring 2 has, believe it or not, a pretty good musical number. Unable to play the “Blue Hawaii” LP on the turntable, Ed opts for taking on Elvis himself, and does a pretty good job. So, if I may call attention to the weird of 2016, we had a film about Elvis (Elvis & Nixon) in which Michael Shannon as The King didn’t sing a note; two months later, there’s a film in which a ghosthunter tracking demons from Hell gives a rock-solid Elvis tribute. Yeah, this is why I see as many movies as I do.
♪White men say
“Only fools rush out”
For I can’t help
Fighting the ghost about
Shall I stay?
Welcome has worn thin
Cause I ain’t done
Jack to lose this Boo
Like the eerie flows
Once the lights go faint
Haters, doncha knows
You need me more than a saint
Take my card
Prepare for a ball
When s*** gets real
Who ya gonna call?♫
Rated R, 134 Minutes
D: James Wan
W: Carey Hayes & Chad Hayes & James Wan and David Leslie Johnson
Genre: Freeloading spirit
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Horror junkies
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Homeowners
♪ Parody inspired by “Can’t Help Falling in Love”
