Ok, quiz time. How much did the United States spend on the military last year? Any guesses? The answer is $598 billion, more than the next highest seven countries combined. That represents 54% of discretionary spending – the stuff we choose to spend on as opposed to mandatory spending – the stuff we have to spend on (the mandatory pile is twice as big and dominated by Social Security and Medicare). When people talk about how much they hate taxes, they don’t generally direct their hate towards the military. But $600B per year? That’s kind of insane. And during a war year? That figure is much bigger.
And this is where our two junior “heroes” come in – David Packouz (Miles Teller) is a mild-mannered masseur. Childhood pal Efraim Diveroli (Jonah Hill) is a professional asshole. There’s no other way to put it. He’s the kind of guy who emulates Scarface. Not just loved the film, mind you; Efraim, without voicing it exactly, has made Scarface his personal goal. Early on, we see him get ripped off buying drugs. His response? Semi-automatic in the trunk. Scatter the projects with gunfire and watch people run, hah! Did he get his money back? No. You get the idea here that he paid $300 for personal entertainment. This is the point at which David has to distance himself. With wife and child on the way, David shouldn’t even hesitate. But the devil offers money … and David needs money.
Efraim’s big coup is a United States military contracts website. In this Bush-era story, the U.S. is still has active conflicts in both Iraq and Afghanistan and troops need stuff. All sorts of stuff. And check this out – thanks to a crackdown on insider deals [read: Dick Cheney is douchebag war profiteer], all the contracts have to be offered to the public first. Isn’t that neat? Why, if you can figure out how to get to your hands on a crate of grenades or a closet full of infra-red goggles, you, too, can bid to supply the United States military. It’s so simple. Why didn’t I think of this?
–“But I don’t know anything about moving weapons” And you don’t have to! Know how the postal system works? FedEx? If you can figure out how ship something, you can deal arms in the Middle East.
–“Don’t I have to be a certain age?” Of course not! The boys fighting are barely out of high school, so why should we expect any different from the boys who keep them equipped?
–“But I don’t have any money for big government contracts?” SUPER! Then you’ll stick to the small stuff. “Big contractors” don’t have time for those penny-ante $200k deals, anyway.
–“Can I make money doing this?” Fella, if you can dream it, you can make it. All you have to do is be willing to take less money than the next war profiteer. Don’t worry; he wants to make millions! If you can stand making a mere $180k for a month of work, this could be your bag.
–“Is it dangerous?” Aw, heck no. Most of the transactions are completely hands off. You just have to figure out how to get supply crate X to battlefront Y. Of course, if there are complications, like Italy’s ban on exports to countries at war, you might find yourself, say, babysitting a truckful of Berettas across Fallujah. At this time, we recommend
bullet-proof vests and balls of steel.
So sign up, today! All you need is seed money and imagination … and not much of either.
Needless to say, I’m a big fan of War Dogs. Because the film stressed the “how to” part of the business and focused on arms dealing, it successfully avoided taking sides, or even looking like it needed to take a side. You see, the boys just want to make money; they don’t actually give a crap about whether what they’re doing is right, they just care about whether it’s legal. And because their path is obstacle-laden, War Dogs can be enjoyed by both hawks and doves. Each group will take from it whatever lesson they wish to take.
I’m used to Miles Teller (not unlike Paul Dano) being a guy I want to punch in the face repeatedly. I don’t know if Whiplash taught him a valuable lesson, or whether this is the new Miles Teller or what, but casting Miles as the neophytic family-oriented everyman and Jonah as the soul-less one was exactly the way to go. If roles are reversed, this film might just suck. Bless you, casting director. And bless War Dogs for giving us the armed version of The Big Short.
♪Izzy never understood
What’s it like to knead men all day
When my coup to sell sheets dried up
Gotta find a new gig today
Efraim rolled into town
Promised money fist over hand
All we gotta do is arm our troops
What’s left to understand?
Gimme that order!
Cause I got held up at the Iraqi border
Oooo, fool proof order
Gimme an order♫
Rated R, 114 Minutes
D: Todd Phillips
W: Stephen Chin and Todd Phillips & Jason Smilovic
Genre: Cynicism
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: People who make little distinction between war with business
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Albanians
♪ Parody inspired by “Give Me Some Water”
