“Based on a true story” is one of my least favorite phrases. You know the term, “you can’t make this up?” While that is often true, it is almost as often that I wish you had, anyway. Masterminds recreates one of the greatest heists in American history as being performed by a group of amateur dunderheads. The premise is not without humor … but it’s much funnier on paper than on screen.
In 1997, an easily manipulated, mop-headed, North Carolina buffoon named David Ghantt (Zach Galifianakis) worked as a guard for Loomis Fargo armored car services. His own car has a driver’s side door made out of wood and attached with visible hinges, like a gate to a private lawn. It locks with an external piece of metal one slides
into a joint, again not unlike a gate. I’m lingering here because this is the most clever thing about David, who strikes one as the kind of guy at the shooting range who is likelier to hit himself than a target … which, of course, happens two minutes into the film.
Like most of the characters Zach Galifianakis plays, David seems to have the IQ and temperament of a small child. Why one would give this guy the keys to the vault is well beyond good sense, but such is, of course, the key to the robbery.
The ironically titled Masterminds suggests Loomis Fargo’s questionable business practices didn’t end with David. His ex-work partner Kelly (Kristen Wiig), fired after discharging her weapon in the break room, has attached herself to seedy opportunists in the wake of her dismissal. The “brains” of this outfit (Owen Wilson) comes up with the plan that has David do 100% of the robbery while he and Kelly reap 99.98% of the ill-gotten funds. David is given $20,000 and a ticket to Mexico for stealing $17M by himself. Yeah, this is gonna end well.
Masterminds stars three of this summer’s lady Ghostbusters (Wiig, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones). McKinnon was better here; she seemed to commit to the role of humorless fiancé-by-default. I know the films were made in different timelines, but Masterminds feels like the three 
women spent a few weeks busting some ghosts and had so much fun that one offered, “hey, y’all! While we’re here, what do you say we make another two-star comedy, huh?” “Woohoo! I’m in!”
The sheer amount of exaggeration [read: stupidity] in this film suggests the players and crew thought they were making a much funnier film than they made. That must be rough, huh? You put in the work all smiles; you watch the dailies and laugh and then discover some months later the audience doesn’t actually share your opinion. Sorry. Look, I kinda liked Jason Sudeikis as the conflicted hitman, but other than that – well, I can see ZG runnin’ around in a bad wig making bad decisions is gonna do it for some folks. I’m not among them –and, quite frankly, I’m tiring of how moronic Southerners are displayed in comedies.
For a superior life David yearns
The key? Inside job the man learns
Getaway, a breeze
From the fuzz, with ease
Long as they don’t look ‘tween two ferns
Rated PG-13, 94 Minutes
D: Jared Hess
W: Chris Bowman & Hubbel Palmer and Emily Spivey
Genre: Idiotic heist
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Homer Simpson
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Armored car security
