My new theory is that crappy films like these come out in January so that critics will forget to put it on their “worst of the year” lists. Asking to recall and subsequently rank a terrible film drummed out of theaters almost a full year ago is a tough task; why would anyone besides me want to do it? What’s that? Underworld: Blood Wars is technically a 2016 release?! You don’t say? Weelllllllllllll, you’re in my underworld now, jokers.
For all the titular promise of crimson, Underworld: Blood Wars, like the entire Underworld series, is a blue film. There are technical reasons for the blueness, all you need to know is the people who made the film were cheap-ass bastards and there’s your proof. Do you feel like it adds moody contrast? Does
it exaggerate the pale? Maybe this added the necessary atmosphere to the original Underworld; four films later I wish somebody would turn on the lights.
You might recall that “Death Dealer” supervampire Selene (Kate Beckinsale) had a daughter the last time we met in Underworld: Ennui. I believe she named the child “McGuffin.” In this chapter, those pesky werewolves and vampires are both seeking the child as she can bring balance to the Force or whatever. This manifests itself in the form of thugs on motorbikes puncturing Selene up to the realization that Selene is as indestructible as is plot convenient. This feature also applies to Four (Theo James) and villain o’ th’ day, “Black Jack” Randall (Tobias Menzies).
Meanwhile, back at the coven? Castle? Nest? Vamp lounge? The-place-where-the-vampires-live, there’s a power struggle disguised as an incredibly dull cocktail party. From what I understand, vampires are the, for lack of a better term, “good guys” in this franchise, so the World of Under can’t exactly show them strutting about eating people even though, as GEICO would put it, “if you’re a vampire, that’s what you do.” However, it’s not like vampires are involved in charity or, you know, daytime, so they can’t show the buggers outside, pretty much, ever. So, Underworld: Blood Wars mostly has them stand around in clusters of bored conversation. Maybe they don’t like being blue.
Lacking for things to do, chief vampire troublemaker Semira (Lara Pulver) makes some trouble. There are two ways to recognize Semira: the first is that she’s 1) of the very few vamps allowed to have a personality and 2) constantly dresses as if she’s on her way to some sort of themed calendar photo shoot. BTW, have we gotten enough mileage out of the Kate Beckinsale catsuit? How many of those do you think she owns?
Because of reasons, Selene, not Semira, retreats to the Arctic North to find some wild Durmstrang band of vampires selected entirely for their lack of pigment. I was confused at first by the Children of the Corn look from these guys. Were these ultra-pale
hand models also vampires? Thankfully, it was soon clear that they, too, were among the bloodsucking Underworlders from their sympatico desire to assemble as if at a dull cocktail party
This all leads to my favorite part of Underworld: Blood Wars in which the werewolves attack the vamp fortresses. The battles itself –like all battles within this Underworld— is iffy; it’s dark and often confusing. The genius moment here, however, is when Black Jack, sorry “Marius,” sounds the call of the wild and every Lycan wolfs out in such perfect awkward spastic gyration that I was just sure that the “Thriller” would follow on screen.
Dull, pointless and constantly filmed in a closet, the Underworld franchise is a giant bore. Extra half-point off for the final frame suggesting another of these to come. Listen very carefully, Underworld producers – these films are not good enough to have cliffhangers. Not even close. If you mention a character more than a dozen times and never show her in the film, you have done a disservice to every single member who paid to watch it. Go to Hell … or Underworld; I still don’t understand the connection.
♪I feel so bad, I got this part anew
Guessing my career just blew
Catsuit sticking to me like glue
Or blue vamp goo
Never speak a repeatable line
These folks live where the sun don’t shine
Looking forward to episode nine
Of blue vamp poo
I’m goin’ back today
‘Cause you’ll pay
For blue vamp stew
Where the folks define
This one role as mine
Miss Bluevampwho
Where our castle moats
Stave off Lycan throats
If I could only see
That pernicious sunrise
Comes claiming eyes
And stetting me free♫
Rated R, 91 Minutes
D: Anna Foerster
W: Cory Goodman
Genre: Stick → dead horse
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Wide-eyed Twilight screenwriters
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Misunderstood undead
♪ Parody inspired by “Blue Bayou”
