There’s a certain malaise associated with the realization that you’d rather be watching the preview you jeered 45 minutes ago (in this case, Smurfs 3) than the film you are actually watching. Rock Dog is a tired film with a weak imagination and, despite the title, zero inspiring musical numbers – in fact, in the soundtrack of a film about an animated hound who yearns to play music for large crowds, there are 27 cuts, and 26 of them are non-rock instrumental mood setters. All who come will surely collect said soundtrack to enjoy such ear popping diddies as “Opening Titles,” “Leaving Snow Mountain,” and “Wolves at Snow Mountain.”
Snow Mountain is where the magic happens, and by “magic” I mean a mild chuckle at our hero Bodi (voice of Luke Wilson) outfitting the plethora of town sheep in guard dog outfits to stave off, indefinitely, the wolf horde. I was sure that eventually the lesson to be learned was that village shepherd, and Bodi’s father, Khampa (J.K. Simmons) would eventually have to train the sheep to defend themselves instead of using the Halloween costume gambit. Nope. I was wrong. Sheep are sheep. They are always helpless morons. Wow, thanks, movie. What more did you have to say?
Teenage Bodi isn’t enamored with the life of a shepherd and -remembering what fun he had with Kubo-like strings he once played– he breaks his father’s “no music” edict and takes up the, I dunno, lute once again. It’s a box and a neck. That could be a lute, right? Eventually, this earns him a trip to the big city where he’s allowed to fail spectacularly and return, literally, tail-between-his-legs. Rock Dog is what happens when you filter the plot from Zootopia down to its most basic elements – ignoring all nuance and development—and then add the worst music from Sing. Now I know you might say, “That’s ok, right?” No. No, it isn’t.
And I have no idea why the makers of this idiocy didn’t rip off “Rock Hound” from the AA Midland baseball team; that sounds much better than “Rock Dog,” no?
Getting into the rest of this is a waste of time and words, so instead I’ve imagined some better films with similar titles. Producers, please consider any of the following as at least mild improvements on your collective fail:
Glock Dog – This four-legged gunshow enthusiast has a bite worse than his bark … and now he’s got a Rambone to pick cuz the mailman is playin’ for keeps.
Frock Dog – A celebration of the LGBTQ community as this “born male” hound prefers pleather to tether … and yet is fabulous when a town crisis arises.
Hock Dog – “Plain” used to be “Spot,” but he sold everything –including his own fur– to get out of debt. This reflection on our own society covers the issues of hoarding and genuine value as Plain confronts his nemesis: Sallie Mae.
Squawk Dog – This aptly named bird-dog thinks he’s a chicken; his father wants to disown, but he needs the eggs.
Spock Dog — The local canine’s penchant for cosplay lands him in trouble when real aliens come to town.
Any of those ideas were potentially better than what I saw. I suppose Rock Dog is harmless and relatively short, but if you drag a five-year-old to see this film, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. Oooh, there’s a better film—Rick Dog, a retelling of Casablanca with our furry friends.
♪Who lit the dog light? [Who, who, who who?]
Who lit the dog light? [Who, who, who who?]
Who lit the green light? [Who, who, who who?]
Who lit the dog light? [Who, who, who who?]
The screenplay sucked ass, production was slumpin’ [Hey, Yuppie, I Know]
With zero solutions at all [Hey, Yuppie, I Know]
I tell the fellas, the axe is fallin’ [Hey, Yuppie, I Know]
Let’s slow release to a crawl
The film still show up!
Who lit the dog light? [Who, who, who who?]
Who made such sad sight? [Who, who, who who?]
Who ain’t no Fulbright? [Who, who, who who?]
Who needs a rewrite? [Who, who, who who?] ♫
Rated PG, 80 Minutes
D: Ash Brannon
W: Ash Brannon
Genre: Animation teaches the world to sing … again.
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: I dunno. Aspiring musicians currently under the age of seven, maybe?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone who watches it
♪ Parody inspired by “Who Let the Dogs Out”
