I could loathe the Marvel universe. Wouldn’t even take that much. Marvel has taken to assuming that your mere presence at a Spider-Man movie means you adore each and every member of The Avengers team … and also that you have a full range of knowledge regarding Iron Man and The Marvelettes (my fav 60s girls group). These films have become so self-referential that if Marvel were a dude, he’d dress like Tony Stark and speak about himself in the third person, often.
Luckily, it doesn’t bug me yet; I simply foresee the day that it will. For the third time in a decade, Marvel rebooted the Spider-Man franchise, this time using the same criteria of Olympic gymnastics: Spider-Man has gotta be cute, energetic, and young enough to need a babysitter. The latter is actually my favorite part of the reboot. Yes, Tom Holland is young … and I have no idea if he can act. He was too busy giving off a “golly gee willikers” Jimmy Olsen vibe to spend any time contemplating the risks and responsibilities of superhero-dom. And that’s exactly what Spider-Man: Homecoming is all about – we’re beyond the brooding of Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield, or beneath it as the case may be. Tom Holland’s Spider-Man needs a handler and acne cream, not a job and a fiancée.
It is with great relief that I report Spider-Man: Homecoming is not an origin tale. Given that Spider-Man has aged backwards, I thought for sure we were going to have to see that damn Peter Parker kid (Holland) go through brown reclu-berty again. This story picks up right after the tag-team free-for-all during Captain America: Civil War. Refreshingly, Spider-Man has no opinion on the correct use of force or accountability; he loves having spider powers and hanging out with Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.). He’s even rearranged [read: dumped] his high school extracurriculars to free up the moment when the Spidey signal shines from Avengers headquarters. Don’t worry; I’m not sure the kid planned to have a professional mathletic career anyway.
While most of us know the futility of awaiting a call back, Spider-boy goes through the motions daily – he comes home, changes into costume, seeks out a cat or two to rescue, and reports in to Stark Industries. He’s told Aunt May (Marisa Tomei) that he has an internship. I’m suddenly reminded about the doctor/lawyer/mathematician mistress joke. Spider-kid isn’t into 
drugs and is still in the *giggle* “A girl!” *giggle* state of relationship prowess; he even blows off building a Lego Death Star with his current life partner Ned (Jacob Batalon) all so that Stark flunkee Jon Favreau can hang up on him. Ah, Jon Favreau, the voice mail table has turned, has it not? Well done.
Meanwhile, Michael Keaton has also found the other side of a career, having now successfully transitioned from superhero to existential former superhero to supervillain. It was just a matter of time, I suppose. Vulture (Keaton) is what apparently what happens when you stiff small business, Stark. Remember the alien invasion in The Avengers? — I told you this stuff was all self-referential—the clean-up crew, led by Keaton, gets bilked on the contract and decides to creating evil weaponry out of stashed alien crap that didn’t find the Feds.
So Spider-Man: Homecoming pits a not-ready-for-prime-time player against alien weapons. And not a mega war with humanity on the line, but something a bit smaller – a Kinderspider against old metal Birdman. I’m not sure if my affection will last more than one film, but I found the (relatively) smaller stakes and general void of pathos quite refreshing. No, the kid ain’t Maguire or Garfield (or Downey, Rudd, Johansson, Evans, Ruffalo, or Hemsworth for that matter) and that’s exactly what I like about where this particular film went. Let Peter Parker be a kid, fight crime after his homework is finished, and learn what needs be done only after learning a bunch about needs first.
Welcome a new hero to embark
Prodigy of enigmatic Tony Stark
A champion he’ll be
Just you wait and see
If his aunt lets him stay out past dark
Rated PG-13, 133 Minutes
D: Jon Watts
W: Jonathan Goldstein & John Francis Daley and Jon Watts & Christopher Ford and Chris McKenna & Erik Sommers
Genre: Pre-superhero
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Somebody who would build a Lego Death Star
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People sick of superhero films
