I never thought I’d miss the acting of Winona Ryder. Yet watching this Jo March (Sarah Davenport) battle friends, foes, and dialogue, I dearly wish the exclamation point had not been invented. I’ve seen a number of Little Women renditions, but I’ve never seen a Jo March so combative and confrontational. Here is my impression of this performance:
“Miss March?”
“WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHO ARE YOU? YOU DON’T KNOW ME! I’M GONNA FIGHT AND SUCCEED! SCREW IT! I’M OUTTA HERE!”
“I was just taking attendance.”
Given her propensity for military pomp and bombast, perhaps it’s better if I refer to her as “GI Jo March” from here on in.
I sure wish I could tell you that combativeness was the worst vice GI Jo would exhibit, but twice –not once, twice in this film about family, love, and sisterhood, GI Jo visited a very sick sister and completely stole focus from her. I doubt very seriously Louisa May Alcott intended for her heroine to be so egocentric, or perhaps hoped she’d grow out of it in the sixteen separate years of events described. Hope, however, is a fairly elusive and near pointless thing right now. Perhaps when Alcott wrote her classic novel, life wasn’t quite so cynical.
This modern day version of Little Women describes the four March sisters as home schooled by Marmie (Lea Thompson) while dad is off fighting in the Middle East somewhere. The bonds of family remain the strength of the tale even if the lasting impression is terrible, terrible acting. Watching this film, I felt like this was an audition for a high school play; I imagine the actresses off-screen congratulating themselves with a “good one!” and a high-five after a scene that feels more than 25% real. I’ll get to that in a bit.
The basic plot is the life and times of the March sisters, GI Jo, Meg (Melanie Stone), Amy (Elise Jones as young Amy and Taylor Murphy as older Amy), and, oh yeah, Beth (Allie Jennings). Beth is a complete afterthought in this version until she finds illness in Act III. The March sisters love to stage plays, talk about their future lives, and indulge in self-discovery while befriending the lone boy across the way, Laurie (Lucas Grabeel). Hold on. Lucas Gabreel?! Seriously? The dude who was Sharpay’s twin in High School Musical?! Well, I guess that answers “I wonder where that guy went?”
Just what kind of cut-rate Little Women you got going on around here, anyway? It used to be Susan Sarandon, 
Winona Ryder, Claire Danes, and Kirsten Dunst. Next year, it’s gonna be Laura Dern, Saoirse Ronan, and Emma Watson. In 2019, Laurie Lawrence will be played by the kid who got a nomination for Call Me By Your Name. I can’t really emphasize this enough: You went from Christian Bale to the toady fop from High School Musical. That’s a precipitous fall, no? Tell me, did you buy the entire rights to Little Women, or just the Cliff Notes version?
Every ounce of cut-rate shows in this effort. It’s poorly written, poorly paced, and makes little sense – why does GI Jo March look the exact same at age 13 and age 29? I’m not making this up – same actress, juxtaposed scenes because of poor editing and she looks exactly the same as she did three seconds ago in real time but the movie screen says 16 years. If that were the only thing wrong with the picture I’d happily let it go, but this film molds the March sisterhood into something only a sycophant with blinders could love. Let’s hope Saorise, Emma, Laura, Timothée Chalamet, and, oh yeah, Meryl Streep erase this version from my memory as quickly as possible.
This looks like the Marches at a glance
I’d know them from New England to France
But Jo’s so full of ire
I’ve lost my desire
For her Sisterhood of Unraveling Rants
Rated PG-13, 112 Minutes
Director: Clare Niederpruem
Writer: Clare Niederpruem and Kristi Shimek
Genre: The dark side of empowerment, crappy fiction
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Impressionable teenage girls
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Louisa May Alcott
