I spent most of last night trying to figure this movie out – Why give a historical context (The Crusades) and tell the audience “if I gave you a date it would bore you?” Why does Nottingham resemble the Broadway Newsies set? Ah, but this was the tip-off: Why is there only one woman among hundreds of men? And then it hit me – this Robin Hood is not so much a classic Robin Hood tale, but some sort of live action Smurfs movie. Makes more sense than anything else.
Now, I’m not kidding here – the movie opened by refusing to give a date and we can see why almost immediately: there is no shortage of anachronistic departures from the era of The Crusades. OK, so we’re playing the “this wasn’t real history, we get to make the rules” game. Fine. Next, Lord Loxley aka Robbin’ Smurf aka Robby Smurf (Taron Egerton) gets drafted. Yes, literally, drafted. They had that for The Crusades, right? Sure they did. Sorry, still fact checking. Don’t do that. Oh, I see, this Hood is like the Kevin Costner Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, where he gets all PTSD from his personal ‘Nam. Unfortunately, the draft forces him to leave behind the only woman in town, Marian, aka Smurfette (Eve Hewson).
Some genuinely lovely battle footage later and then the film gets quite silly: Robby Smurf is about to die when a colleague, if you will, removes the knife-wielding left hand of his assailant. And in a turn of events that is not believable on any level, the assailant eventually becomes Robby Smurf’s companion, Little John aka Righty Smurf (Jamie Foxx). Righty Smurf stows aboard the ship returning from The Crusades back to England for three months without being detected, injured, or ill.
I skipped over the part where Robby Smurf gets banished from The Crusades (yes, banished from war), returns to Nottingham, and discovers Smurfette has been shackin’ up with Jamie Dornan, aka Bondage Smurf. You know what it means when you hook up with the 50 Shades star in a feudal setting? He will literally get medieval on your ass.
At this time, the film introduces us to the villain, the Sheriff of Nottingham aka Evil Papa Smurf (Ben Mendelsohn aka evil Tom Bergeron). This greedy douchebag gives a speech so xenophobic it could have come directly from Donald Trump’s stumping. My question is if you’re gonna get that close to the “invaders at our southern border bring drugs and crime” feel, why not take the words directly from Donald Trump himself? That’s what you’re going for isn’t it?
At this point, Robby Smurf is about to go win Smurfette back when Righty Smurf shows up and says that plan sucks – you should really start robbin’ stuff not tell her about it, she’s a lost cause. And Robby Smurf ponders his choices: “Should I reclaim my girlfriend or go rob stuff?” (Two seconds later) “Rob stuff it is!” TrumPapa Smurf alert! Righty Smurf is exactly who you’re looking for — he literally brings theft and murder from the Middle East. This is your smoking crossbow. Why are you not on this?
Meanwhile, Bondage Smurf is stroking his … political ambitions. Political ambitions?! You’re a serf [read: smerf] in a feudal society. What political ambitions? When did Nottingham become Hamilton? Then, at the point where Cardinal Salieri aka Gargamel (F. Murray Abraham) shows up, well, this thing became something of a comic riot. Robin Hood feels like 80% of Tim Curry movies where everybody knows the script is a piece of crap, but the cast is having a good time anyway.
I cannot discount that there were indeed some excellent action scenes in Robin Hood. But they were so intertwined among a hilariously terrible screenplay that it became impossible to do anything but laugh. Oh, but I was still in for a surprise at the end of two hours when the film introduced a sequel. NO! You think we’re juiced for a sequel after this thing? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Best laugh I’ve had all night. Seen in the right light, this film is an absolute riot so long as you the audience member make zero investment in terms of time, money, or thought allocation. The minute you care, however, is the minute this Robin Hood should get Friar Tucked away forever in the bad film archives.
♪Researched this screenplay like they didn’t care
The Sheriff seems to be donning active wear
Brains off. Now it’s time for an arrow fight
‘Cuase it’s always a Hood time
Not sure this is right, is it me or them?
In the middle of Crusades there’s an ATM
Hands up if you’re down to get robbed tonight
‘Cause it’s always a Hood time
Good mourning and good knight
This sucks just like Twilight
Pretty clear you didn’t try
It’s always a Hood time♫
Rated PG-13, 116 Minutes
Director: Otto Bathurst
Writer: Ben Chandler and David James Kelly
Genre: Pick one … they’re all good
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Kevin Costner, currently smirking at any critic who thought his was the worst Robin Hood
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Historians
♪ Parody Inspired by “Good Time”
