From the first moment of exposition to the scene where Keanu Reeves bids a touching farewell to robot Keanu Reeves, Replicas was a bad film. And it wasn’t just bad in the science fiction realm; Replicas is the kind of film in which a cloning scientist questions his ability to play God, but never questions his desire to play God. I suppose they cover that in the Intro to Morality social science requirement at CalTech, don’t they?
I would be remiss in not mentioning the film is set in Puerto Rico. Not even West Side Story is set in Puerto Rico. Looks pretty good for an island without power. Oh, right. I forgot. They received paper towels. Problem solved. Anyway, all the victims of hurricanes Irma and Maria have been cleverly CGI’d out so the film can focus on what the impoverished US territory is all about: upscale engineering.
In Replicas, Keanu plays a brain scientist. Hmmm, I’m gonna let you chew on that one a bit. Enough? Good. Let’s go. Before putting the brain of a dead man into a robot, Will Foster (Reeves) makes a high-minded speech for benefit of the camera and the camera alone about the benefits of his work which include potential immortality and a cure to Alzheimer’s. Hold up a sec, Geek Squad, are we still big on curing Alzheimer’s? After discovering that, given a choice, old people would so vehemently select a non-science, non-health care agenda, one has to wonder what’s the incentive for scientists. “Gee, Uncle MAGA, maybe we’ll cure Alzheimer’s, and maybe we won’t. Good luck with that whole ‘dementia’ thing.” But I digress. Keanu was in the middle of putting a dead brain into a live robot. The robot immediately wakes up and rips itself to shreds over the idea of mass confusion or perhaps that the dude no longer had any junk.
It was at this point that I should have given consideration to ripping myself to shreds rather than seeing what followed.
The Fosters pull a Nedry from Jurassic Park, going out in a monsoon to find the docks. Will forgets he has brakes and instead of employing them to miss a tree he accelerates into a river, drowning his wife and children but saving himself. Next moment, the camera finds the Keanu wheels a-turnin’: “By golly, am I a re-animator of dead tissue or not? No, really, I’m asking, cuz in most films, I usually just have to shoot stuff or say ‘whoa.’ ” Lining up the corpses and phoning his body-buddy, Ed (Thomas Middleditch), Will gets his garage all ready to build a new family. This step involves lifting millions of dollars worth of massively technical, massively classified, and just plain massive scientific material – the logistics alone prevented such idiocy—this is when Will’s true dilemma come to the forefront: 1) how to get his EZ Bake oven to produce them all at the same time and 2) oops, four corpses, but only three creation pods … so, ummm, who died for real?
I don’t even want to touch the Sophie’s Choice here. I’m embarrassed for the movie at this point. Let’s just pretend that playing God is on the up-and-up so that I get to the next part without barfing.
“You want them to all be ready at once? Well, gee, I’ll just set the timer, then, shall I?” Apparently cloning people is not unlike making a Thanksgiving dinner … except for the part where instead of timing everything by how long it takes to cook, you simply reset the parameters of the oven – want the turkey to cook in ten hours? Five hours? Three minutes? Just set the clock. Human cloning? Why that’s even easier.
And then there’s Ed. While Will is the brain guy, Ed does all the body cloning work. That’s quite a friend you have there, Will. Ed’s your buddy; Ed’s your pal. Ed’s the guy who hides all your porn when your folks come to visit … the guy who makes sure you don’t pee in the hamper when you’re drunk … and the guy who disposes of the dead bodies when you accidentally kill your family and have decided to clone them and bring them back to life.
Yes, that last one was a genuine plot point.
This is a terrible, terrible film. Hard to give it perspective because during Oscar season it’s surrounded by films which would make it look worse anyway. But Replicas is a terrible, terrible film. Sci-fi this bad is why people make sequels. Sure, show me Spider-Man and the Very Special Pomegranate, just so long as you burn Replicas and bury the remains. Shame on you, Keanu.
♪He’s reading a pan, ‘bout that ‘dim bulb Reeves’
He’ll play any man without rolling his sleeves
That’s what his agent believes
He’s running them down, with his gun, machine
He’s being this crap since he was seventeen
He’s a frozen glare. Thespian despair
I don’t want to laugh out loud
Don’t to spoil the crowd
When he says, “Dude, whoa.
I’m, like, a brain doc, baby”
He says, I am a brain doc, baby!”
He says, “Dude, whoa!” ♫
Rated PG-13, 107 Minutes
Director: Jeffrey Nachmanoff
Writer: Chad St. John
Genre: Playing God, dude. Whoa.
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who have been brought back as clones of themselves
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Any philosopher
♪ Parody Inspired by “Let’s Go”
