Why are there pirates on the moon? No, seriously. How did we get there? Oh, I see: in this Earth future, the moon has been occupied for so long that an uncontrollable rogue element has developed within an entirely military-controlled atmosphere-challenged entity. Let me tell you exactly how much sense that doesn’t make.
Look, before you even try to explain that one, answer me this: why are there escalators on the moon? Can you think of a bigger waste of resources than lugging the bulk and mechanics of an escalator to a place where gravity isn’t an issue? I thought 2001: A Space Odyssey confused me, but, geez, cee-three-pee-ouise, Ad Astra (“To the stars”) felt sillier than your average Kevin Hart film.
The film opens with its best scene. Brad Pitt falls off a space derrick and crash lands [read: parachutes] back to Earth. Are there no re-entry problems when it’s just you and not a space ship? And how was the space derrick capable of floating in orbit while its denizens were bound by gravity? Sorry, I know. Too many questions. I tell ya this much, tho … if NASA figures out it can save a zillion dollars by simply parachuting astronauts back to Earth instead of shuttling them, we’re gonna save enough money to build that stupid wall.
Apparently, the pulse that felled Roy McBride (Pitt) and destroyed the space station emanated from dear old dad’s rocketship currently hanging out around Neptune. Hold up. Neptune is 4.3 BILLION kilometers from Earth. You mean to say that something emanating from a spaceship the size of a movie theater 4.3 billion miles away can screw with Earth stuff? Movie, you are not helping out your cause. And besides, isn’t dad McBride (Tommy Lee Jones) dead?
Roy is a legacy. His father is legend for medals earned, awards received, and I think he won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes at some point. BUT … he wasn’t much of a dad. He left poor teenage Roy at home, and the kid never saw dad again. Awwww. So let’s rocket junior back into space to find McBride Sr. and get some much needed space closure, shall we? It will only cost the tax payers $4.3 billion or so, but isn’t closure for one taciturn middle-aged man worth it?
Oh, I didn’t point this part out. Roy seems to have become Vulcan in the interim. Completely lacking emotional response or the ability to panic, Roy makes the ideal astronaut, woo! Well … except for the fact that he’s already like 50. Do they not care about the ages of astronauts in this weird future of ours? Guess not. Now, to be fair, the expressed mission statement is not “get Roy closure,” but “investigate dad’s Neptune hijinks” which is a slightly worthier so long as Neptune keeps attacking Earth.
Geez, I haven’t even gotten to the part where fellow Space Cowboy Donald Sutherland takes the moon shift with Brad Pitt. And pirates show up. :slaps forehead: You know what the worst part is? I wanted to love this film. It came cradled with such positivity and Brad Pitt … Who doesn’t like Brad Pitt? And space films of late have been great, too … I loved The Martian. I loved Gravity. This was going to be epic.
Or not.
So against my better judgment, Ad Astra held my goodwill for most of the picture. I fought through Brad’s emotional distance. I fought through the science. I fought through the silly. And it was all ok, not great, but mildly passable. The excuses were winning, no question. And then the climax arrived and left and took all my goodwill with it. Truth is, I’m being generous with the rating. Ad Astra deflated my mood and my day. For many, the denouement will be seen as release and cathartic resolution; I saw it as an unsatisfactory attempt at emotional manipulation and a cheap cop out. Take me back to space piracy or the scene where baboons ate a guy; at least those parts made sense from an action point-of-view.
Rockets used to make my heart race
Yet here my cheer left no trace
While Astra ain’t the Pitt
What it is, is not it
Hate to say it but I need some space
Rated PG-13, 123 Minutes
Director: James Gray
Writer: James Gray, Ethan Gross
Genre: The vacuum of space entertainment
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People too fascinated by stars to realize this picture is kinda stupid
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Me, apparently
