If the goal were to make a stupid movie, I’m not sure how this project would come out differently. Except -maybe- at some point the film might just be funny because in the attempt to make something stupid, the director would have to know the difference between stupid and clever. I cannot find a single shred of evidence that suggests Aloha Surf Hotel had any idea it was deliberately made to be a terrible film. It just is.
The film begins with a throwaway scene in a college parking lot in which a representative of the university is informing some middle-aged van-living jagoff that his six-year campus permit has expired. I thought this was just an introduction to life in our movie. No such luck. Turns out the jagoff is our “hero,” and I’m using that term very loosely right now.
The pre-credits intro talked of legendary surfer Tai “Gonzo” Alonzo (Augie Tulba) and it turns out this parking lot van sack of crap is what happened after eight years of riding coattails instead of waves. We’re supposed to find that funny; I just found it sad. Five minutes after meeting Gonzo, you will not believe that this manchild has ever won a single thing in his life; he’s a walking participation trophy. Gonzo is now a part-time employee at the Aloha Surf Hotel, a resort -it would seem- for people who don’t like vacations. Forced by circumstance to show up for work, it takes him all of two minutes to injure a paying guest by encouraging a lack of safety with respect to sea urchins. The scene concludes with Gonzo peeing on the guest (to alleviate pain) because peeing on people is hilarious.
The hotel itself is made up entirely of clichés, weak stereotypes, and half-assed attempts at humor. The dwindling guest roster has threatened the hotel’s existence, so the hotel has countered by offering personal assistance to the few guests that remain which means waking to Gonzo in your face. Well, kinda waking to Gonzo. See, he’s still a worthless pile of crap even when he’s needed, so even when he’s supposed to be attentive and obsequious, 
he’s just a lazy boob. And just when you think this film couldn’t get worse, a sultry guest wants to have sex with him … but he can’t cuz …hotel? Wouldn’t that be satisfying customer needs? I dunno. I had to turn this thing off.
Aloha Surf Hotel plays like the pilot of a TV show that never got to see episode #2 … the kind of pilot where halfway through the producer realizes he’s got a complete dog and starts cutting corners to minimize losses: shooting schedules are moved up; personnel are cut; actors are told to brown bag their lunches. Good thing this is set in Hawaii so there’s something to smile at when you’re done.
I don’t usually subscribe to “that’s an hour I’ll never get back.” Perhaps this is White Privilege talking; I don’t deny it: Except for vacation, I find humanity is all about wasted time; so much of our lives is hours and hours that could have been used for productive purposes but were instead spent in bed, staring at a box of cereal, zoned out on a couch, or doing God-knows-what? So much of humanity is about filling our hours of non-productivity; why else would there be televised golf? However, and I’m serious here, any time wasted on Aloha Surf Hotel really is time you will never get back – time that could have easily been spent engaging in more productive activities like loitering, dognapping, petty vandalism, or online trolling. Aloha Surf Hotel is best used as some sort medieval flagellation device reserved for the suicidal and suspected terrorists. It would be hard to be less enthusiastic about this film; I’ve seen worse, of course, but none of those promoted themselves as comedies. Aloha Surf Motel should be incinerated, buried, exhumed and incinerated again as a telling lesson to all film that tries to behave in such a manner. With any luck, I will forget about this film before I finish th-
Welcome to the Aloha Surf Hotel
Where the staff don’t do comedy so well
This film is a trial
You aren’t gonna smile
Long as you’ve got at least one brain cell
Rated F for Fuck this, 90 Minutes
Director: Stefan C. Schaefer, Fairai Richmond
Writer: Stefan C. Schaefer
Genre: Stupid
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Ones completely devoid in taste
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Their dates
