Sophomore superhero films generally focus on limitation. They tend to be more introspective because the hero realizes not what they can do but exactly what they cannot do and, hence, wonder if the fight is worth it. Spider-Man 2, Superman II, heck, even Rocky II all found the hero battling himself. Wonder Woman 1984 went in a completely different direction. Instead of showing us what the hero can’t do, the producers went the opposite way, giving the world’s most notable feminine crime buster powers she never really had before and then had the nerve to question whether these powers were ebbing due to her wish-making.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The action starts in Diana’s child home where li’l sonny-D (well, daughtery D) enters the “Amazonian Ninja Warrior” challenge, and wouldda won, too, but mom calls her out for cheating, “No true hero is born of lies.” Oh, this is gonna be a theme, isn’t it? And if it’s about lying, does this make Wonder Woman 1984 an anti-Trump film? Hmmm, well a shaven Pedro Pascal shows up as a conman-turned-megalomaniac. Yup, anti-Trump film it is. If nothing else, WW84 scores on the counts of being both relevant and on the correct side of history. And then WW84 pretty much stopped scoring, period. For two solid hours.
The film never tells us why Diana Prince/Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) hasn’t aged in 40 years, but she hasn’t. Not only that, she can do a lot more things than she did before, like fly, and shove tanks, and run 60 MPH. But that’s not all; this walking Ronco commercial product can also turn things invisible, manipulate electricity, and attach her rope to anything no matter how far away … it’s as if the producers sat down before penning the script, took inventory of everything Wonder Woman did, and scrapped it in favor of bigger and better. Sure, why shouldn’t Wonder Woman fly? Why can’t her rope be arbitrarily longer? Why can’t her breasts nourish the free world? And all this exists to set up action so comical it rates on the Scooby-Doo scale.
Careful with green screen tech, fellas; we might not believe what we’re seeing.
After a “Zoinks!”-inducing failed mall heist, rare artifacts are brought back to the Smithsonian where Diana is a Prince among her co-workers and the security is as lax as LAX pre-9/11. And here the film immediately introduces their toasty fresh egg MacGuffin -a magic monkey-paw rock- and two would-be villains: co-worker Barbara Minerva (Kristen Wiig) and entrepreneur Maxwell Lord (Pascal), both of whom wish upon the evil monkey paw so a plot can almost, sorta, kinda form. Maybe.
Kristen Wiig is the villainess, the Wonder Woman counter, did I understand that correctly? Really?! Who’s it gonna be next film? Aidy Bryant? Ellen Cleghorne? Kenan Thompson? You know what? I don’t even know what to do with Kristen Wiig, villainess; I’m moving on to Pedro.
With his cheap spray tan image and conman demeanor, Maxwell Lord is obviously meant to be a 
Trumpian villain. This sense is only exacerbated when Maxwell becomes a living genie, granting “wishes” to those foolish enough to make sounds in his presence…hey, “magic genie” is kind of how Trump saw his own presidency, isn’t it? You prayed and hoped and wished “The Great Trump” would magically make your dreams come true … and he did! Often! Well, so long as you dreamt for either an unprecedented level of corruption or a tweeting hatestorm at 3 a.m. Yup, if you were a white supremacist, entitled anarchist, or just a run-of-the-mill American fascist, The Donald came through for you.
Unfortunately, the Trump comparison can only go so far as Maxwell Lord clearly loves his own child, something you’ll never accuse The Donald of (except, of course, for his inappropriate love of Ivanka). Less than looking like a 1980s version of Trump, cheesy moustache-challenged Pedro Pascal comes off more as what it might look like if Jeremy Renner sold used cars for a living.
The real 
problem here is Wonder Woman is now up against a human genie. And the script is extremely unclear on both the genie’s power or focus. MaxLord “tricks” people into wishing things he himself wants, but then uses his power to take other things anyway. And since MaxLord doesn’t desire human strength, there’s never a physical confrontation between he and Wonder Woman; that’s why they gave us “Cheetah” (Wiig) , who … I’m sorry. I just can’t do this without crying tears of laughter. Check the Monster Box.
Oh, and I haven’t added the part where Diana’s own wish comes true, resurrecting Steve Trevor (Chris Pine). Sure, this works in the universe where monkey paws make everything come true. I’m sorry, but how and why did this artifact magically end up, unguarded, at the Smithsonian? I have no idea if there’s graphic novel inspiration for any of this, but lemme tell ya, it feels beyond contrived. Chris Pine tested well for the original, so we brought him back for no reason and explained away his own lack of aging/death with “magic.” We can make anything happen! Yaaaay! Well, anything besides COVID going away, or the real Trump disappearing, or for this movie to get the proper box office bombing that it deserved. I really do hate to stick it a film that wanted to stick it to Trump, but Wonder Woman 1984 was terrible, and overlong terrible at that, which is near unforgivable.
An Ancient Amazonian go-getter
Has to rewrite all wrongs to the letter
When rock forged from fire
Grants folks their desire
Great, I wish that this movie were better
Rated PG-13, 151 Minutes
Director: Patty Jenkins
Writer: Patty Jenkins & Geoff Johns
Genre: The one where the hero end up in a ridiculous gold suit
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Gal Godot junkies
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone who has ever previously enjoyed a superhero film
