This morning, I tried to imagine what five-year-old me would have wanted to see in a movie about a puppy the size of a moving van. Hmmmm… Ridiculous growth spurt (check), massive overeating (check), creating havoc just by existing (check), accidentally smothering/eating a living being (check), flummoxing adults by simply not understanding his own size and/or treating adults as play things (check) and (check).
In other words, bad as Clifford the Big Red Dog is, I could easily –very easily- see five-year-old me enjoying it. Of course, here are some things five-year-old me would not have wanted to see in a movie about a puppy the size of a moving van: a mystical wise pet whisperer (what?!), a powerful bad guy falsely claiming ownership over the puppy in question, some sort of silly wrap-up speech/plea appealing to the van-sized puppies in all of 
us. You want to make a kids movie about Godzillapup? Trust me, leave the speeches at home.
Emily Elizabeth (Darby Camp) is the poor kid. The class bully calls her “Food Stamp,” which I’m quite certain is an actionable offense in every non-Trump county in the country. While her mom (Siena Guillory) has an English accent, Emily doesn’t and neither does her shiftless uncle Casey (Jack Whitehall, born in Putney, Wandsworth, London, which is about as England as England gets). Naturally, Casey is in charge of Emily when the Clifford adventure begins.
I have no idea how these folks afford an apartment with a choice view of Central Park … I mean you can throw around the phrase “rent-controlled” all you want and it’s still not going to apply to the English immigrant. Doesn’t matter. The point is that when Emily and Casey go outside, they don’t have to look far to see the Magical Mystery Tour of Pets, starring John Cleese. Oh, he’s got everything a white kid needs to help find themselves from aardvark to zebra. Emily opts for that little red puppy over there. Casey, responsibly, says, “no.” So naturally, the dog magically shows up at the apartment anyway.
And overnight, Clifford the shoebox-sized lab mix becomes Clifford the Big Red Dog. Now here’s
something that confuses me—doesn’t everybody recognize that a puppy is still a puppy, no matter how large? I mean, a puppy can be the size of a building and I still wouldn’t be scared of it, would you? Doesn’t matter. The point is, this is when the adventure begins, and some on-lookers are terrified, while others see the fun. While I think it takes a five-year-old to enjoy the screenplay, it doesn’t necessarily take a five-year-old to enjoy the obvious CGI. There’s a big red puppy on screen; it’s not a great movie subject in general, but if can’t derive one smile from the antics of a van-sized puppy, you might be dead inside.
Flawed as he is, Clifford the Big Red Dog would definitely appeal to the five-year-old version of me. That five-year-old’s parents would suffer, but nearly not as much as with some animated offerings this year. The film is by no means a perfect five-year-old fantasy – what five-year-old would dream of allowing his new puppy to be shipped to an African preserve without a fight? So while I cannot recommend the film, my advice to parents is: don’t fight too hard to avoid this one; it’s not bad for your kids, and it’s not dull, either. As parents, you can do worse, and have..
Here’s a fantasy that some might disdain
It’s about a puppy, simple and plain
Well, except for the part
Where he’s big as an ox-cart
God help you if you have to potty train
Rated PG, 96 Minutes
Director: Walt Becker
Writer: Jay Scherick, David Ronn, Blaise Hemingway
Genre: Films to amuse your five-year-old
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Five-year-olds
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Building supers
