Ugh. This is what happens when you take screenwriting cues from five-year-old boys on a playground:
“My fingers can shoot missiles! Pew! Pew! Pew!”
“Well, I can fly, so you can’t shoot me!”
“And I can run so fast that I can hit you and move away before you can do anything!”
And so on… and so on.
Eternals showed up this month to embarrass Marvel studios as no film has done since Captain America (1990). Clearly taking their cues from schoolchildren, the author(s) invented a group of super-powered aliens who come to Earth just to kick the asses of non-humanoid super-power aliens … who have also come to Earth (why?). And when that battle is done sixty seconds later, the “good” aliens
hang around for … you know … eternity (being Eternals and all) to rack up as many 300 games of bowling that the universe will allow.
This bloated carcass of a film introduced about seventeen (I honestly lost count) new Avenger wannabes not realizing that to do so properly would require ten episodes and the Disney channel. And I cannot emphasize enough that their opponents were so hopelessly overmatched, the initial fight lasted about one minute. I kinda felt sorry for them. The opening was like watching three teenage boys destroy an ant farm out of pure spite.
Perhaps I should backtrack. So 7,000 years ago, a spaceship full of super-powered loiterers is sent to Earth to deal with Deviants. I don’t like that the baddies are named “Deviants;” I swear we already covered this potential bigotry circus in the Divergent films.
Never mind.
Deviants are ugly, human-consuming dinosaurs and the Eternals’ job is to put ‘em down and then just, you know, hang out for a millennia or two … or seven. Post opening credits, we see the Deviants are making a comeback in the 21st Century, and this time they seem stronger. What’s up with that? Don’t worry, by the time we explore that answer fully, it will be fairly irrelevant. Point is, I think the Eternals got bored … I mean you can only play Candy Crush so many times, am I right? So, basically, they factioned and broke. One of my favorite Eternals is mind-manipulator Sprite (Lia McHugh), but only because I like making the joke that if Sprite dies, maybe the Eternals can get their deposit back.
The film takes a while to introduce its biggest name, Angelina Jolie, as Thena, a warrior who can summon CGI weapons with her bare hands. Thena suffers from, I dunno, PTSD or some shit, so you never quite know what side she’s gonna fight on. It took every bit of Angie’s acting prowess to confuse me this badly. I’m sorry, what is your motivation here? Do you just like slaying things?
For a bad film, Eternals has some decent humor. Take for instance the fact that Kingo (Kumail Nanjiani) has spent the 
last century of his eternity playing his grandfather, father, self, son, etc. all as Bollywood icons. He’s like the Barrymores all by himself.
I’d say 156 minutes doesn’t begin to cover all the ground Eternals needed to cover to help us understand every character, plot, and motivation … and yet, two-and-a-half hours is already about two hours too long for this material. There is no winning scene in this film. None. Not one. I can’t say that of any other Marvel film in this Century. Even Thor, even that Spider-man with Jamie Foxx had a scene or two worth re-living. Eternals was bankrupt. A lot of CGI, a lot of emptiness. I’m one of the people who wasn’t overly sold on Chloé Zhao in the wake of Nomadland – it was a great character portrayal and a keen insight into poverty, but it wasn’t a complete film and sure wasn’t a film anybody needs to revisit with the possible exception of Frances McDormand’s agent. If I was bearish on Zhao last year, imagine where I am now. While I’m certain there will be Eternals 2: Nothing This Evil Ever Dies, I’m not sure it won’t be the first Marvel I skip this decade.
Hmmm, well there’s Sersi and Phastos and Makkari and Sprite
And Ajak, whose death kinda lingers
There’s Ikaris and Druig and Thena and Karun
And Kingo, who shoots “Pew! Pew!” with his fingers
There’s Gilgamesh and Strafox and Pip the Troll
And I’m sure others, heaven knows
Cuz in all of this recount of Eternals beings
I didn’t even get to the foes
Rated PG-13, 156 Minutes
Director: Chloé Zhao
Writer: Chloé Zhao, Patrick Burleigh, Ryan Firpo
Genre: Pew! Pew! Pew!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Marvel employees
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody hoping for The Avengers
