Have you ever seen an ugly duckling? Literally? Seriously? I’ve seen hundreds, nay thousands, of ducklings in my lifetime, and they’ve all been adorable. They didn’t necessarily remain that way as they grew, but they sure started that way. I dunno what the Hell that story is about.
Speaking of WTH stories, Back to the Outback tells, essentially, an “Ugly Duckling” tale … except the creatures in it are already grown-up lethal monsters and nary a one is going to become a beautiful swan no matter how beautiful they are on the inside. This is the point of the film, but I’ll get to that later.
The setting is a petting zoo on the outskirts of Sydney. The main attraction is Pretty Boy (voice of Tim Minchin), a koala so attractive that some humans will faint upon spying it … which, admittedly, was very funny. While Pretty Boy is busy being a … pretty boy, the other main attraction is a show devoted to the more deadly members of the Outback, Jackie the crocodile (Jacki Weaver), Frank the funnel-web spider (Guy Pearce), Zoe the thorny devil (Miranda Tapsell), Nigel the scorpion (Angus Imrie), and the newest addition, a blue taipan snake named Maddie (Isla Fisher). The inland taipan is most toxic snake is existence, a single drop her venom can kill up to 100 men in 10 seconds – as zookeeper/TV host wannabe Chaz (Eric Bana) points out at every opportunity.
Given Chaz’s unctuous affection, Maddie thinks she is being groomed for stardom. She is, thus, alarmed to realize every other human sees her as a monster. And right about this time that Maddie is questioning her role in life, li’l Chaz falls into the croc pit. Jackie’s desire to help the human child out is misread as aggression, and pretty soon, Jackie the matriarch crocodile is Jackie the newly departed. This is the last Eucalyptus leaf for our heroine; Maddie and her buds decide to quit the circus and head Back to the Outback.
So this is the story: a snake and her three pals -originally selected for (and only for) their ability to shock and repulse humans- 
making their way from Sydney to the Australian Outback, which ain’t exactly a daytime stroll … and that’s even if you stand two meters tall. There’s something to be said about camaraderie here … and also something to be said about a secret society of ugly animals. Hey, how do they know they’re ugly? That’s quite a complex your entire species has brought upon itself. Oh, and like I’m one to talk – name any other species that markets beauty products. But, hear me out, perhaps we shouldn’t be sloughing off our species-specific insecurities upon Australia’s most lethal predators, dig?
I know there’s a lesson of tolerance and inclusion to be had here, but do we really want to teach children that crocodiles, scorpions, and poisonous snakes are potentially lovable, upbeat homies? Let’s just hope your children know the difference, huh? And what’s the “real-life” parallel? Is the “real-life” lesson that even the most potentially lethal of humans is secretly an iceberg waiting to be melted? Should I feel sorry for death row inmates and NRA conventioneers alike? Maybe. But I tells ya, I still (generally) prefer the creatures who don’t advertise their potential violence. As for the picture, it was cute if forgettable. The “Ugly Swan” thing will play to a certain type of child, but even that child is likelier to be Elsa for Halloween.
“Folks, I got some truth to swallow”
The snake added, “Just try and follow …
I might not have feet
And scare all I meet
But at least I am not a koala”
Not Rated, 95 Minutes
Director: Harry Cripps, Clare Knight
Writer: Harry Cripps, Gregory Lessons
Genre: Ugly duckling, Aussie style
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Ugly ducklings
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Zookeepers
