Charm. I want to talk about charm for a paragraph or two, because I think charm has become the key ingredient in the Marvel formula. Charm is essentially the ability to delight, micro or macro. It’s the reason we watch romcoms even when the premise is asinine. You wouldn’t think carm was essential to superhero film. In fact, quite the opposite; you don’t look for romantic lead when the world is being held hostage, do you?
But here’s the thing: I’ve been watching Marvel and DC films for decades. During that time, Marvel has developed a clear advantage in quality; it isn’t universal and it hasn’t shown lately, but it is definitely true. What’s the difference between Marvel and DC films? Generally, Marvel films have been more inventive, cleverer, and better written, but the biggest difference I see is charm. Ant-Man, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Deadpool, Captain America … what these collective films have lacked in diversity, they compensated for in charm. When did we start enjoying –I mean really enjoying- Thor and Hulk? When their dialogue became charming. Heck, Guardians of the Galaxy are barely heroes; there’s nothing but charm there.
Now, contrast that with DC. Batman ain’t charming. Flash ain’t charming. Green Lantern ain’t charming. Superman hasn’t been charming since Christopher Reeve played the part. Aquaman and Wonder Woman definitely 
have potential; but both really need better writers. What’s the best DC movie I saw in the past decade? The Suicide Squad (2021). Want to guess what separated that one from the others?
When we consider the superhero genre, powers and situations eventually become interchangeable. The difference becomes what these films have to share … and most of the time I’m not in the mood to be brooded at. A sense of humor really goes a long way. And until DC finds it consistently, Marvel is gonna keep kicking DC’s ass.
That all said, Morbius is the first Marvel film I’ve seen in over a decade without an ounce of charm.
And it blew.
For you mathematicians out there – Möbius is a strip cleverly manipulated so that it only has one dimension; Morbius also has only one dimension, but there ain’t nothin’ clever about it.
Dr. Michael Morbius (Jared Leto, who has now sucked in both DC and Marvel worlds, a rare double) is obsessed with blood. It seems the doc grew up in one of those orphanages where all the kids have a rare blood disease. You know what I’m talking about, right? Well, good. Explain it to me, then. It seems creepy. Li’l Mikey is a genius, so he powers all his smarts into creating synthetic blood – which isn’t a thing.
And when that wasn’t good enough to get him off crutches, he traveled to the land of vampire bats, cuz they’re the only mammal that feeds on blood. And apparently they sense blood like sharks. Who knew? I mean other than the person who should have researched this film better.
The doc has a lab that has both animals for experimentation and humans for curin’ … because he likes to practice doctorin’ and researchin’ at the same time? Seriously, he works in a medical lab that doubles as a medical ward. They have that? Ok, fine, I’ll let it slide, cuz why wouldn’t you trust the entire well-being of your 10-year-old with leukemia to the guy who spends his days injecting rats with bat blood?
Naturally, the doc has a breakthrough and decides to experiment on himself … and becomes superhuman! Basically, Jared Leto becomes a monster … and then he transforms. :rimshot: If the film rode me up to this station, then here is where I officially got off and walked. Because, let’s face it, this plot is stupid. Spider-Man never made any sense from a science POV, but there was a certain logic – guy gets bitten by a 
radio-active spider and suddenly adopts spider capabilities. Sure, it’s beyond far-fetched, but as I say, it has a certain logic. Guy injects himself with bat blood and suddenly becomes a lethal ghost doesn’t work in the science or logic realms. I mean if he adopts bat-like powers then OK, got some sonar, maybe can fly and has better reflexes, but get straight outta here with “insatiable blood lust” and “can evaporate” and “moves faster than the speed of light” garbage. Since when does that describe bats, huh?
Oh, I see. This is a horror film. Well, it sure is. Quite frankly, I think I’d call every Jared Leto movie a horror film at this point. I don’t know what possessed Marvel to make a horror film, but it sure did. And Matt Smith shows up to play … the other villain. Oh, did I not mention? I didn’t like anybody in this film. I’m done with Morbius; he can excuse himself from the Marvel reunions of the future if you don’t mind.
I need not go further. If you’re really into Jared Leto – Lord knows there are those folks—I don’t think this film will detract one iota from your love, but for the rest of us it feels like Marvel has overextended. It was bound to happen eventually, and I hope, hope, hope, that the greater players in the Marvel world don’t start making half-assed entertainment guesses … but, they might. Marvel produces a great many more video selections than it used to. At some point, quality suffers; it’s just going to happen.
A doctor of research deftly shrewd
With blood-enhanced power imbued
He’s a man who’s a bat
But don’t call him that
Cuz if you do, you might just get sued
Rated PG-13, 104 Minutes
Director: Daniel Espinosa
Writer: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless
Genre: Marvel for people tired of heroism, protagonists
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: The person who wrote Morbius, I’m hoping
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Charm-seekers
