“Surgery is the new sex.” Is it? A scalpel used as an aphrodisiac … well, that’s an original take; I’ll give you that. Unfortunately, it’s also a terrible take in what has to be the bleakest look at the future we’ve seen in the past five minutes. And, quite frankly, if that quote is true, I’ll happily choose celibacy.
Saul Tenser (Viggo Mortensen) spontaneously grows new internal organs. You heard me. Crimes of the Future describes this as accelerated evolution, but I’m puzzled by the idea that future humans will have a dozen more organs than the present models. I’m also puzzled by the idea that adding organs is an evolutionary step up; heck, take one semester of high school biology and you’ll realize we got roughly the same internal set-up as a fetal pig; would you call us on the same level of evolution?
Ah, but it’s not what you have; it’s what you do with what you have, perfectly illustrated by the fact that Saul and his partner Caprice (Léa Seydoux) have monetized his spontaneous organ generation in the form of performance art. Every time Saul generates a new organ, the two put on a show while extracting it, medically, using pointy instruments while Viggo pretends he’s having sex. Who wouldn’t be entertained by that? I think this is meant to be hyperbole, but I’m not sure of what exactly: plastic surgery? Obsessions with presenting one’s entire unfiltered life through social media? Or perhaps this is a bizarre form of pornography; it’s certainly presented that way.
Speaking of pornography … Punctuating Saul’s “evolved” lifestyle are two pieces of interactive furniture: the first is an organic cocoon bed which is seen several times in the film. It looks like a suspended giant clamshell with tentacles. I’m not sure it has any real uses other than to make the viewer uncomfortable, but Saul 
uses it as a vampire uses a coffin. He and Caprice even have fun in it, and by “fun” I mean they get naked and embrace while two motorized scalpels slowly cut them to ribbons.
The second piece is even better; it’s an adult-sized high-chair for feeding. Except it looks like Skeletor’s rejected throne, and behaves the exact same way as any quarter-operated ride outside a grocery store. I’m guessing this model is superior because it doesn’t need quarters.
There’s an actual point to Crimes of the Future, believe it or not. This film is about the horrors of the modern plastics industry. Hence, I imagine Crimes is a diatribe against modernizartion and climate change. That message, however, is about as clear as the Gulf post Deepwater Horizon. And it’s impossible to take a message seriously from a film in which people get off to lacerations. This is an ugly and stupid film meant entirely for people who have lost all touch with reality. Pretentious people find Crimes of the Future pretentious. Anybody who helped make this piece of shit should feel shame, including Kristen Stewart – and I’ve seen five (5) Twilight movies. David Cronenburg, Viggo Mortensen, please return when you have another History of Violence or Eastern Promises to share. Not this.
I don’t need to call your bluff
But this is unseemly stuff
If you’re in need of strife
Try sex with a knife
I guess some people just like it rough
Rated R, 107 Minutes
Director: David Cronenberg
Writer: David Cronenberg
Genre: Our screwed future
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Unreasonable critics
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody capable of being uncomfortable
