Do MacGuffins have a shelf life? You got your grown kid Nathan, the wolfy Taylor Lautner, and he figures out that his parents are not really his parents because the real ones died over some code list stolen when the wolfkid was just a pup. So this list … it’s still valuable 15 years later? Really? Let me ask you this – do you have an address list 15 years out of date? How valuable is it? All those names and relations from 1996 up to date, are they?
And, say, isn’t that like 90 in werewolf years, anyway? Anyway, in a plot device straight out of Dr. Evil awakening from a coma, Kozlow (Michael Nyqvist) just can’t give it up and when Nathan contacts out of curiosity, the cat, well, several cats, get killed.
Two of the cats in question are faux parents Kevin (Jason Isaacs) and Mara (Maria Bello), agents assigned to Nathan for life, apparently. Potter 
fans may be glad to know Jason Isaacs has lost the whole elitist bigot routine he’d enlisted in favor of a whole new bad parent schtick (“I call this one ‘Lesser Santini'”) What do you do in your free time Jason? Sit back and try to invent awful father figures? To keep Kevin from beating the shit out of his son, Maria plays “good cop”, just in time for her new TV show in which she plays … a good cop. When they both die at the hands of evil, leaving wolfy to roam free and pee on trees at will, it sucks for several reasons, not the least of which is that we’re left with Nyqvist and Alfred Molina as screen chewing foils. Ugh. Gimme back Taylor and the Megan Fox wannabe (Lily Collins).
I’m befuddled by films that don’t put natural assets to their best uses. I speak here of the fact that Taylor Lautner only removes his shirt twice in Abduction. Now, let’s face it … Taylor Lautner has a gift for shirt removal; when it comes to getting to bare upper torso, his skill ranks even with Marlon Brando and Paul Newman. Of course, when it comes to actual acting, Taylor ranks even with the likes of Pauly Shore and Oscar the Grouch. Regardless, the failure to have a shirt removal scene on screen even under the circumstances of a wet t-shirt and a clear costume change is just irresponsible filmmaking.
Most people who go to Abduction are going to say, “this isn’t good.” Don’t let that deter you; it doesn’t make any sense, either.
Rated PG-13, 106 Minutes
D: John Singleton; Really? Once upon a time you made Boyz n the Hood. You changed, man.
W: Shawn Christensen
Genre: Chase with hot teens
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: People who think Twilight was a taut thriller.
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Mammals with brains.
