So Syriana was about the politics surrounding oil control in the Middle East and Colombiana is woman getting ugly revenge on a drug cartel. What’s next? Austriana – where we explore the harpsichord underworld? How about Canadiana, in which the illegal maple syrup trade is exposed? Personally I’m holding out for the 2015 debut of Zac Efron taking on the smugglers of tacky resort swimwear in Bermudiana.
Colombiana is a straight revenge pic. The Columbian bad guys kill everybody except the pre-pubescent daughter. She escapes and befriends an uncle in Chicago with the promise that he teaches her how to kill. 30 seconds of screen time later, she’s an adult assassin of such unbelievable skill that she can finesse her own DWI into a politically charged jailhouse murder with no one being the wiser. It’s good stuff, so long as the brain is turned off. In one week, I predict I won’t remember anything about the amorphous Columbian bad guys or any of the gun play, but I’ll probably remember the jailhouse assassination well for several years.
If Colombiana had been made in the 70s, it would have starred Charles Bronson. Had it been made in the 90s, it would have starred Steven Seagal. It’s nice to know Hollywood has branched out of blocky tough guy mode. Zoe Saldana, who is anything but, is our heroine. She’s sleek and lithe and sexy. While watching this shoot-‘em-up, I kept wondering if Zoe was a star. Is she going to have a Bronson or Seagal kind of career now? Zoe is drop-dead sexy and a legitimate action player. She is also, however, much better with her clothes off than on which rarely speaks well in the long term. For the time being, however, she disrobes, geez, I lost count, six? seven? times in this movie, maybe; i.e. the adolescent boy in you should enjoy much of this production. Long as Zoe stays lithe and sexy, she’ll be a star somewhere.
Rated PG-13, 107 Minutes
D: Olivier Megaton, who is also a transformer, I believe
W: Luc Besson , Robert Mark Kamen
Genre: Sexy vengeance
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Prison folk
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Realists
