Fast Five

Fast Five is like present-opening when one or more parents are caught off-guard. Picture this – it’s Christmas morning and every family member convenes in the living room where a (previously non-existent) giant bouncy house now occupies 75% of the space, shoving all else to the side. Small children vault into an ecstatic melee while at least one parent stares dumbfounded, “look … what … Santa … brought. Mumble, mumble. Lucky you. Mumble.” And there it is, kids. You don’t need it; you didn’t earn it, but here’s Fast Five: a big ol’ steaming pile of bouncy house.

This latest installment of Smokey and the Bandit seems to have a very good idea of what its audience wants to see: fast cars, hot girls in bikinis, fast girls, hot cars in bikinis and maybe an unnecessary but cool stunt or two. Or seven. And attitude. What’s that? A pregnancy? That sounds vaguely wholesome and not at all rad. What are you tryin’ to do, add character development? Getouttahere. More “cram-it” testosterone is whats we needs, I tells ya’. This film has more action than a semester at a safety school and more posturing than a semester at finishing school. And aside from that little preggers indiscretion written into Jordana Brewster’s character, and of course the fact that Fast Five is a noisy, silly piece of crap, this is a pretty good film, or at least one that knows how to deliver.

Now if you’re anything like me, then you’ve spent the past few years wondering what the difference between Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson is. You might even have considered them to be one and the same. Fast and Furious Five has the audacity to put them both in the same film and let us guess which is which. Luckily, they gave us a clue. They put a fake beard on … lessee, I think it was Dwayne. Ah, now I know which is which. And, of course, we have a bitchin’ fight between the two. And then they make friends. Awwwwww. Yup, I can’t say anybody got cheated. Lemme check the list:

[unordered_list style=”tick”]

• Fast
• Furious
• Street nitro showdown
• Gratuitous extended bikini scene
• Fisticuffs
• Weaponry
• Fine line between cop/criminal, good/bad
• Vin Diesel does something tough
• Dwayne Johnson does something tough
• UFC Sanctioned Diesel-Rock/off
• Paul Walker shows up
• Brazilian Parkour (I had the Brazilian Parkour for lunch on Tuesday; it was divine)
• Road Warrior-ish chase
• Over-elaborate climatic crime that necessitates the entire cast, a high speed chase and a plot twist

[/unordered_list]

If Fast & Furious is your thing, well, this is Christmas, baby.

Rated PG-13, 130 Minutes
D: Justin Lin
W: Chris Morgan, Gary Scott Thompson
Genre: Fast and/or furious. Perhaps five.
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Adult-aged children.
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The responsible parent for the adult-aged child.