The canals of Venice. It’s night. The guard is wary. He peers into the water and finds an arrow in his neck. A man in an archaic looking scuba outfit emerges from the water and plants arrows in four more guards. Ah, we have a villain. He doffs the helmet and the screen reads “Athos” (Matthew Macfadyen). Wait a minute. This is a hero? A musketeer hero? Within seconds we’re reintroduced to Porthos (Ray Stevensen) and Aramis (Luke Evans), of course, and the three along with Milady (Milla Jovovich) proceed to loot Da Vinci’s vault and then blow the place up. Where do you suppose one begins here? Scuba? Explosives? Venice? Musketeers as spies or assassins or looters or assholes?
Well, if you’re gonna reinvent the musketeers in steampunk format, why not give them new sensibilities as well? The good part here is it’s almost impossible to be disappointed by a production of The Three Musketeers, as none in history has come close to the depth of the Alexandre Dumas novel. Got yer swordfights? Check. Camaraderie? Check. And a really effeminate King Louis XIII? Check. We’re good to go.
(BTW: wow, the Cardinal’s guards are pussies. Who trains you? Why even bother holding a sword?)
This Musketeers is an exceptionally pretty film. One of the prettiest I’ve ever seen. The political unrest in 17th century France has not apparently translated to anything but picturesque landscapes, glowing costumes and antiseptic murders. You know what’s funny about that? One of the prettiest people in the film, Orlando Bloom, looks awful, just awful:
Maybe it’s me.
All this would be great if The Three Musketeers were a good film. It is not. Despite a handful of decent sword fights, including one very nice rooftop battle between D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) and Rochefort (Mads Mikkelsen) the action is fairly dull and the characters are worse. Once again Logan Lerman proves no young hero of pop literature, no matter how well imagined by the original author, can be portrayed either as too wooden or too bland. Let’s have a sneak at his next role as Shakespeare’s immortal Romeo:
Romeo
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Juliet
Er, look, “Rollio”, was it? Let me stop you right there. Who was the guy you came to the party with?
Romeo
Um, you mean Mercutio?
Juliet
Yeah, Mercutio!
Good pilgrim, go fetch such prince forthwith. Make haste!
Romeo
Monkeypox.
Rarely does one long for Chris O’Donnell. Congrats, Logan.
Rated PG-13, 110 Minutes
D: Paul W.S. Anderson (The one responsible for Resident Evil, Death Race and Alien vs. Predator, not the one who made There Will be Blood, Magnolia and Boogie Nights)
W: Alex Litvak and Andrew Davies
Genre: Steampunk
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Aesthetes
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Alexandre Dumas
