It took The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 exactly thirty-six seconds to show Jacob (Taylor Lautner) losing his shirt. 
I know because I counted seconds. The key to enjoying any Twilight film is reveling in the unintentional humor. They all have a-puh-lenty, because the franchise takes itself sooooo seriously. This chest reveal, however, fell shy of my favorite laugh-out-loud Breaking Dawn scene featuring a werewolf summit. The showdown entirely consisting of CGI wolves with human voice over on screen, not altogether different from the rally cry summit in Beverly Hills Chihuahua, was so hilarious that I actually started weeping tears of joy. I haven’t laughed like that since the end of Real Steel.
See this? Imagine it, only all the wolves are in a circle, talking like humans.
Kibbles ‘n’ bits! Kibbles ‘n’ bits!
Well, what do you expect from a franchise that comes with rooting sections? I’ll tell you what I didn’t expect: exposition during the climax. Can’t say I remember the last time I saw that one. Um, not a good choice; a climax should speak for itself. Forget it, Jake, it’s Twilight. That is to say: “Forget it, Jacob, it’s Twilight.”
I can’t say it’s new. There’s never anything new in a Twilight movie; but it’s unusual. None of that matters, of course. The gang is back. Teams Edward and Jacob face off once again in a battle of brooding ennui. Stephenie Meyer adds more millions to her pile; now if she could just write something worth reading.
There are three underrated elements in Twilight films, and this one has all three down pat. The first is stretching the run time. Act one is entirely the wedding, AT LAST, of Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Bella (Kristin Stewart). The first shot of Breaking Dawn is about the wedding and we don’t hit honeymoon until a full half-hour has elapsed. There are films with “wedding” in the title with a shorter ceremony. The montage of wedding toasts may as well have been edited at random for all we learn, care or enjoy.
The second is creation of conflict out of thin air. The plot of Breaking Dawn is the following: Bella is having a vampire pregnancy. That’s it. Apparently, that’s enough to fill an extra 90 minutes with crap. The wolves want to go to war over it, to which I say, “um, what’s it to ya?” Sorry, Jacob, but who-gives-a-wolf’s-ass? She chose Edward. Fine. She made love to Edward. Fine. She’s having his baby. Fine. You don’t have to like it, but why are you involved at all? And the wolfpack? What is your motivation for getting in on this? You guys are ready to kill over a perceived slight or minor inconvenience? Is gang warfare at the root of Mormonism, Stephenie?
The third is the far-fetched promotion of conservative ideal. This time we make a Pro-Life statement. Yup. In a movie in which a vampire plays a father, we flank the sanctimonious right. You would have to see it to believe it. This unholy demon spawn goes from zero-to-basketball (and birth-ready) in a span of three weeks (I’m not exaggerating here at all, btw) and turns the mother into a Holocaust victim at the same time, but “it’s a baby, not a fetus!” Yeah, that’s exactly the lecture Team Edward needs to hear, right after the one where you tell them that pre-marital sex is a sin, so you should get married at age 18 like Bella to avoid it. Great message for the kids, folks.
I know I disliked Breaking Dawn. A lot. But I’m not the target audience. The real question is, “Will this appeal to the target audience?” Do you picture yourself as Bella? Humble and shy, but mildly pretty with a serious problem about not speaking dialogue when it’s your turn to do so? Would your ideal be Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner fighting over you? Some girls like a man who can make her laugh. I’m guessing this won’t describe you. Edward and Jacob, individually or combined, are about as funny as a funeral. But that doesn’t matter. So let me don my Bella-colored glasses to see what you see. The wedding was gorgeous. And, I’m no connoisseur, but Bella’s wedding gown, both tasteful and sexy at the same time, is the best wedding dress I’ve ever seen. That had to be a big plus. Then the honeymoon: finally seeing some sack action with Eddie C. has to be nice. By God, you’ve waited three+ films. It’s about freaking time. Of course, the juxtaposition of reality and fantasy is disturbing – Edward and Bella together are about as tender as screen lovers get, yet the honeymoon chamber morning-after looks like a UFC zone. I guess Bella thrashes violently during her sleep (we’re told three films ago that Edward doesn’t sleep). Then the honeymoon turns awkward –Edward is horrified at the minor bruises given to Bella during intimacy and barely touches her again. That can’t be any fun for the fan club. The rest of the film is about her pregnancy. Jacob shows up to do his, “I’ll stand by you” routine. I suppose that’s nice — he and Edward both on the same side. But then watching teen Bella turning into a ring-wraith? If you imagine yourself as Bella, that can’t be fun. And the wolf-vamp showdown? This isn’t why people like these films.
Far as I can tell, Twilight has pushed ½ a film worth of material out to five films now. There’s a love triangle; there’s some in-law trouble; she chooses, they marry, she’s pregnant. Half a film. Max. But if you’re the kind of person who wants Taylor Lautner or Robert Pattinson to moon over you sincerely and humorlessly, well, I kinda glad I didn’t marry you. No offense.
Rated PG-13, 117 Minutes
D: Bill Condon
W: Melissa Rosenberg
Genre: Paranormal schmaltz
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: If asked, “What is your favorite team?” you respond with a boy’s name.
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone capable of objectivity
