- The Gryffast and the Furious
Ron and Harry are the coolest on the underground broom-racing circuit, but when their extracurriculars go outside Hogwarts, Lord “The Law” Voldemort has to get involved. Watch out, because his broom is big and turbo charged. Hermione exchanges her high IQ for a bronzed tan and a bikini in this one.
- Aliens v. Harry Potter
Harry Potter awakens in a wizarding world where all teens of age ritually hunt and kill muggles, er, I mean aliens. Yes, definitely aliens. The films don’t make much sense and seem a bad excuse to show bloodletting and wand/limb severing; the highlight being when Lord Voldemort bursts out of Ron’s chest, ridding us of his gingerness forever.
- Potter the 13th
Hogwarts castle has been replaced by Camp Hogwarts where the kinderwizards drink beer and screw around. Lord Voldemort shows up from time-to-time and dismembers somebody, but it’s usually a Weasley, so nobody notices.
- Onset of Dusk
Hermione is caught in a love triangle between vampire Ron and werewolf Harry. Not much magic happens and it’s fairly unclear as to what Lord Voldemort cares about, but there is a lot of mooning and brooding. A lot of attention is paid to Harry’s hunkiness, but astute viewers know she’ll end up with Ron — he’s pastier. The film is ungodly long, so it arbitrarily stops somewhere in order to start filming another sequel.
- Harrynormal Activity
This series starts with film 7. Midway through the finale, the gang starts to suspect magic is going on at Hogwarts. Naturally, they confront all creepy evilness by placing cameras on doors as they sleep. The end is pretty blurry and it’s hard to tell what’s going on, but we’re pretty sure Voldemort kills everybody.
- The Potter Identity
Harry Potter wakes up with amnesia and is immediately thrown to the curb by the Dursleys, anxious for the excuse. Wandering around London for days, Harry learns he’s a dangerous wizard and kicks warlock ass every five minutes for fun. In the climax, Harry confronts Lord Voldemort, who reminds the young Potter he’s still an agent of evil. This confuses all, including the audience.
- The Voldenator
Lord Voldemort goes back in time to destroy a young Harry Potter, but kills Ron instead.
- Slytherin Shrugged
Our hero, Lord Voldemort, courageously takes on Dumbledore and the Ministry of Magic. Eventually he proves victorious when his transport tunnel to Hogsmead collapses in a more efficient manner, killing many more Muggles than otherwise would have been claimed. On a side note, the Potters along with Harry were indeed killed in a car crash several films ago.
- Harry Potter, Episode VII.II: Revenge of the Slyth
The first three films dealt with Harry being the estranged son of Lord Voldemort. The latter set of prequels focus on the rise of Tom Riddle from orphan to villain – his innocent days of broom racing, his affair with Minerva McGonagall, the day Dumbledore advised him to kill every single Ravenclaw, and finally his duel with all of Gryffindor house over the Chamber of Secrets.
“Lord Voldemort shows up from time-to-time and dismembers somebody, but it’s usually a Weasley, so nobody notices.”
This is comedic gold.
Awesome stuff, SF!